Former tabloid writer Kate Major has check into rehab for alcohol abuse. Kate is the ex-girlfriend of two real winners: Michael Lohan and Jon Gosselin. Kate checked into a treatment center in Boca Raton, Fla., and will stay there for 90 days.

Just last month Kate made headlines when Michael Lohan allegedly assaulted her after she refused to give him head, then he violated his contact order twice, which resulted in his arrest.

Sources close to Kate feel that she becomes somebody that she isn't when she drinks.

Break out your handkerchiefs, folks, because Michael Lohan is not heading to the slammer. For his domestic violence offenses against Kate Major, the court system is pulling a Dina Lohan and ignoring the fact that there’s a majorly f**ked up person in their care.

Though Michael faced up to four years in jail prior to his sentencing, the volatile dad will instead spend two years on probation, along with domestic violence classes, and four months working with Teen Challenge International. (Don’t worry, you don’t need to lock up your children--it doesn’t actually involve him interacting with teenagers.)

His lawyer says, “It was a good result and it will benefit him. [Kate] told the court that she agreed to the sentence.”

If I were her, I certainly wouldn’t be happy with that sentence. I’d feel like it was my pubic duty to the rest of society to make sure he got locked up at least somewhat.

Continuing a long stream of idiocy, Michael Lohan has fallen behind on child support payments for the kid in Montana that he supposedly fathered. Now, if he shows up in New York City, Nassau County, or Suffolk County, he’ll be arrested on site. We can only hope!

To be fair, that probably won’t be the case for a while. The World’s Greatest Dad is already in custody for assaulting his ex-girlfriend, Kate Major, and Dina Lohan also served him papers in jail asking for $11,000 in unpaid child support. This is why he should have gotten a vasectomy years ago.

The deadbeat dad is pretty much in a sh!thole right now and it’s hard to keep track of all the rotten things he’s done. But it makes it easier for everyone else. After all, when you’re arrested for multiple things, nobody can remember what exactly you should be punished for--they just know you should be punished a lot.

Michael Lohan doesn't let us down. After he allegedly put the smack down on Kate Major because she wouldn't perform oral, he was arrested, released and told not to contact her, but he called her so he was arrested yet again.. Whew!

Now comes the good stuff. Michael was trying to scurry around like a stealth Spiderman before he was arrested last night. According to the police report obtained by Radar Online, Michael initially was seen hiding behind a pillar, but when the cops asked him to come out, he took off up a stairwell. Michael apparently leapt from his balcony and grabbed hold of the roof. As the report says, "He then must have scurried across the roof (about 30 feet) until he thought he was hanging over top of the next balcony. The defendant (Michael) then let go but missed the balcony."

Obviously Michael Spiderman, is just a Spiderpig. The report, which also states Michael had "consumed alcohol and drugs," goes on to say Michael fell 34 feet, landing on top of wooden high chairs, and then hid in some trees directly below where he was apprehended. Michael's mouth was full of blood from where he bit his tongue, and he also injured his foot.

You mean to tell me Mr. Sobriety was f*cked up when all of this happened last night? Is this not the best Michael Lohan story you've ever heard in your life? I'm dying over here!

Photo: WENN

Michael Lohan is a complete idiot. After getting into a fight with girlfriend Kate Major Tuesday night because she wouldn't give him a blow job, Michael was taken to jail but was released Wednesday afternoon. Michael was told not to contact Kate or even dream about her, but in true Lohan fashion, he didn't listen to authorities and began calling her yesterday.

Kate called the police to inform them that Michael had been calling her and, while the cops were at Kate's apartment after she made the complaint, Michael called her again. Law enforcement believed Michael was a "threat," so they made their way to his hotel to arrest him.

According to TMZ, when cops arrived, Michael tried to escape by jumping his 3rd story balcony but he crashed to the ground and tried to hide in some trees. Once the cops got him out of the trees, Michael was arrested for violating a condition of his pretrial release and resisting arrest without violence.

He's currently in custody at the same jail where he was released just yesterday afternoon. Kate released a statement saying, "He can beat up women but Mr. tough guy who slurred his words calling me 5 times after getting out of jail wasn't too tough by jumping off the 3rd floor balcony into a tree to try to flee from going back to the same jail he just got released from less than 12 hours ago."

Like father, like daughter. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree and in this case, it actually got stuck in the tree. Ha! What. A. Dumb@ss.

Photo: WENN

It's a big day for the Lohan family. Lindsay has agreed to get naked for money, while Michael Lohan once again had the cuffs slapped on him; this time, for threatening to kill a woman who refused to give him a BJ. Can this family get any classier?

Michael was arrested early this morning after flipping out on girlfriend Kate Major for refusing to supply the beej he requested. After being denied, Michael stated he would "slit both his wrist and her wrist" and throw her from a fourth floor balcony. He's 51 years old, in case you were wondering how he got to be so mature and level-headed.

Just like the last time he got arrested, Michael complained of chest pains to ensure he'd be taken to a hospital rather than jail. Naturally, he denies the charges against him.

(Photo: WENN)

Last week people were shocked by Lindsay Lohan's appearance at the THQ launch party last week when she walked the red carpet with some brown, rotted looking teeth. Leave it to Lindsay's poppa Michael Lohan, to explain to us why Lindsay's choppers look so bad.

During an interview with Jane Velez-Mitchell on HLN's Issues, Michael made the revelation that Lindsay's funky teeth are the result of smoking a pipe with meth or crack. As he points out, drugs such as prescription medication would affect all of your teeth, not just your two front teeth.

"She's smoking either crack or meth, either one or the other. I'm not going to shade it."

Michael, who claims he wants to see Lindsay happy and healthy said, "She's an addict, she doesn't care and she's in denial."

Yeah, she's also in denial about performing her community service programs but Judge Sautner put the smackdown and fear in her yesterday. She's actually going to start doing her community work, but I doubt she lays off the crack pipe!

Photos: WENN

Charlie Sheen isn't the only jerk in Hollywood who will love you violently, Michael Lohan likes to communicate with his fists too. Lindsay Lohan's father was arrested Monday night on suspicion of domestic violence. For those keeping record -  this is not the first, nor probably the last, time a woman that Mikey is with will claim that he got violent with them.

 Lohan's girlfriend filed a report with the L.A. County Sheriff's Department between 9:30 and 10:00 PM tonight ... claiming they got into an argument that turned physical ... and she had some visible marking from the alleged incident.

Cops arrested him on suspicion of domestic violence. He'll be taken to a Sheriff's station to be booked.

I'm suddenly reminded of that Drew Peterson douchebag who killed off two of his wives and then had some young girlfriend. Some women are stupid. Period. If a man has a history of abusing his partners, maybe that should be considered "a red flag."

Michael Lohan set the record straight after media outlets claimed that Lindsay Lohan may have been drinking in rehab. Mike says that there wasn't a party at LiLo's sober house, and that Lilo didn't fail sobriety tests.

“Lindsay was getting her hair done while the other two girls went their own way. When it was time to get back, Lindsay and the two girls had a problem meeting up, to which they wound up being 10 minutes later back to the property.”

“Lindsay and the other two girls tested negative for drugs and alcohol,” he added.

Michael says that Lindsay was moved to a secret location and she's "honestly doing better than ever." Uh... I don't know how I feel about that. I could care less if Lindsay recovers at this point. I still think her destiny is porn.

You may or may not want to see butterface Kate Major's nude photos, but Michael Lohan is trying to sell them cause he's classy like that.

Michael reportedly took pictures of his naked ex-fiance in April 2010 when she was sleeping in bed. Kate's breasts are exposed, her eyes are closed, and "several" of her nude photos have been taken, all of which Papa Lohan is trying to sell.

When Kate found out about the pics, she said: “Michael Lohan is a disgusting human being and father. He took these pictures of me when I was asleep and without my knowledge. At the time he was my fiancé. I have just found out about these images today and moving forward my lawyer, William O’Conner, will be handing the legalities of anyone that reproduces them.”

Kate, 27, alleges that she and Michael, 50, had an argument over a missed cell phone call when Papa Lohan kicked and threatened her. Michael is due in a Southampton courtroom on Aug 18. He was charged with 2nd degree harassment last week.

Eeeewww! Most of the celebrity naked pics and sex tapes that we've seen featured willing participants. I hope no one out there is getting any shady ideas. I also dunno how hot Kate Major lying down and sleeping while nude photos could possibly be? Mikey will be lucky if he gets $2k for 'em.