Ah, Julissa Bermudez. I've always thought the tower of hispanic hotness that hosts these little Jersey Shore Oprah sessions was MTV's way of thanking male viewers for not canceling their cable service and joining the priesthood after their first glimpse of Snooki's dimpled upper thighs. As a bonus, Julissa actually does a decent job of putting the Shore whores in their place. Sadly, she started last night's proceedings with a softball question to The Situation, "Mike, was this the best summer in Seaside?" "Yes," said The Dicktuation. Then why did ya sleep through the whole thing, Mike? Fortunately, she followed it up by accusing Mike of not knowing how to unhook a bra, so I guess I'd still marry her. 

So, Mike's still a dick. No surprise there. But since filming in Seaside wrapped almost 7 months ago, there were some significant changes in the lives of the guidos: Vinny says he has "nothing but love" for Snooki, but Snickers says the relationship is "ruined." I'm sure Vin's all torn up about it. In other news, JWoww is still in love with Roger, and Roger is still 57 years old. And, of course, Deena is still the definition of a hot mess, if you forget about the "hot" part. Best development of all, however, might be Ronnie's new nickname for Mike, The Instigation. Reflect on this season for a minute and think how little drama there would've been, were it not for The Sitch. Good for us, bad for the people who have to live with this douche. Everyone basically ganged up on him on the reunion show, and I'm starting to think he's been paid off by producers to stir up sh!t. Well, we all know what happens to snitches in Italian families. 

But finally it's time to answer the big question of season 3: What happened with Sam and Ronnie? For one, Ronnie cried a lot. More than we even realized, judging from the new clips we saw from this season. And despite reports to the contrary, it looks like 7 months after breaking up, these two have finally realized that they go together like peanut butter and mayonnaise. "I think we both realized this was a little bit of a toxic relationship and we needed a break from each other," Sam said. Yeah, Sam I think a few million people could've told you that months ago. 

When Jersey Shore premiered in December of 2009, it created a sensation like few other television shows before it. Since then, its record-breaking ratings have held steady and its stars have become inescapable cultural icons, with their names and likenesses being used to sell everything from pistachios to weight-loss products. It's no surprise that Snooki and The Situation went from nobodies to sensations overnight, as MTV has been creating stars and cashing in on trends for almost 30 years now.

Part of the reason the Shore stars seem to be everywhere you look these days is that the network knows what the stars may not: instant celebrities usually fall as quickly as they rose, and the youth demographic that made them famous has an incredibly short attention span. The time for JWoww and company to cash in on their fame is now, and the window of opportunity may soon be slammed shut.

The third season of Shore came to a close last night, and though it delivered the same crazy drama and sky-high ratings as the previous two seasons, it's difficult to imagine that America's favorite guidos will be able to keep the party going much longer. Sure, its stars seem convinced that the good times and big money have just begun, but there was an unmistakable sameness to this season's proceedings; a stale quality that couldn't help but make one think that the fist-pumping festivities might be coming to a close. 

Part of the problem is that some of the show's most prominent stars are obviously getting bored. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino basically sleepwalked through all of season 3. Jenni "JWoww" Farley barely appeared in two of this season's 13 episodes. It seems ridiculous to imagine these sudden stars could be so blase about the franchise that made them rich and famous, but when you wake up every afternoon and try to shake off your hangover in front of a full camera crew, it probably becomes easy to forget that your actions will eventually be watched by millions, and that your paycheck depends on your shenanigans. Plus, Mike and Jenni are probably - and wisely - thinking about their next project. Eventually, the show's stars will begin to jump ship, either to focus on their big spin-off or to attempt to live lives as regular human beings. While the show easily survived the departure of the much-hated Angelina Pivarnick, losing one of its iconic, nicknamed characters (The Sitch, JWoww, Snooki) would surely be the beginning of the end.

Busted big time! Part of the fun of Jersey Shore is watching our favorite guidos hook up with random people. But tonight's season finale showed the consequences of touching tongues with everyone who catches your eye when you're drunk. Even if you don't have sex with these people, your most shameful make-out partners can come back to haunt you. Case in point: Sammi and the Russian guy from Rocky IV (aka Arvin). I'm sure Sam never had any intention of getting serious with this mountain of Eastern European fug, but she hooked up with him and now he's spreading the word to all the wrong people. 

Sure, Sam denied it all over the place, but dude was offering up specific examples on the phone and...yeah I'm inclined to side with The Situation on this one: Sammi's a shady b!tch. That said, watching Mike take all kinds of perverse pleasure in seeing Sammi get exposed as a cheater made me hate the dude even more, and I've basically spent all season hatin' on The Sitch. The list of people in this house I can stand is getting incredibly short. I know Ronnie screwed the entire city of Miami like a stoned Rickie Williams, but watching him sit outside and sulk and chain smoke while everyone else ate dinner, it was hard not to feel bad for him. Sammi eventually came out with "the truth," saying that she made out with Arvin years ago, but it seemed like a lot of shadiness to conceal a two year-old hook-up.

But screw Ronnie and Sammi. It's the season finale, which means it's time to piss off that poor bastard that owns the Shore Store one last time, and most of all it's time to get crunk! It was good to see everyone party in Seaside for what could very well be the last time, especially since everyone invited friends and family. Among the revelations: JWoww's dad looks like he's still on an acid trip that started in the 60s; Ronnie dances like a drunk 80s b-boy, Pauly's best friend could have played the mom in Gilbert Grape, and Snooki's "coo-ca" comes out when she does the worm...I'm just gonna leave that one alone. 

The party takes a turn for the worst when Deena gets wasted (season finale shocker!) and pulls an epic cock block on Vinny. Beef. Sammi pulls Ron aside and says that she can't be with him if he continues to be friends with Mike. More beef! Vinny compares Deena to Angelina! Roast beef sandwich! Deena flips out when her own bff from home calls her a cock block and, in the process, sets herself up as the new Angelina. Mike and Sammi make peace the next morning, but you know it's on between those two next season. Everyone goes out for an awkward dinner and then it's time for one last night out on the Shore, or, as Snooki says, "Time to get it all out. Do everything you can. Have sex with an old man, steal a plant, and then get arrested." Steal a plant?! God, I'll miss this b!tch.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino totally bombed at the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump, and he admitted it was bad during an interview with Ryan Seacrest. Mike says his act was so lame because he's not a comedian. Wow, you had me fooled!

"Nine out of the ten people that were there, they had their own work ... [the show's organizers] had a script for me, I had a couple hours to learn it, I did my best, and at the same time I didn't know exactly what I was getting into."

So is he saying if he wrote his own material it wouldn't have been so bad? I hope not! Mike said he has learned from his bombing situation and is moving on.

"I'm gonna keep going, get my composure finish it. I ended up getting applause at the end I'm not a comedian that was my first time at a roast ... at the end of the day, I tried my best and I did learn a lot, as well. You try and take all [the projects] you can and do your best. It was a learning experience."

I haven't figured out why he was invited in the first place, and I hope he never tries his hand at comedy again.

Whoa. See? I knew this would happen if Sammi came back to the Jersey Shore house. The fights between her and Ronnie are starting to go from guilty pleasure side drama to ugly domestic situation in the making. Watching Ron and Sam tearfully scream in each other's faces for the 900th time this season, I realized I'm finally beyond taking sides and I just fully hate them as a couple. I was all set to have Ron's back on this one. Sammi texting that Borat-looking dude behind his back seemed shady as hell, but as I watched the vein in Ron's forehead pop out as he went on yet another 'roid tantrum, I realized I can't defend anyone who thinks staying in this kind of relationship is a good idea. 

Then it's time for some comic relief in the form of Deena rolling around in a cardboard box, because apparently she's three years old. And sh!tfaced. "It just so happens that Deena defies the law of intelligence," Mike says of his retarded roommate. Um...not the smartest statement yourself there, Mike. I'm gonna go look up "the law of intelligence," but I'm pretty sure it doesn't exist. Oh well, watching this drunk idiot get stuck in a printer box is a welcome change from watching a relationship go from bad to violent. 

After the epic battle of Deena vs. cardboard (we didn't get to see the conclusion, but I'm guessing Deena died inside that box) it's back to the drama. No, not more Ron and Sam, but the unexpected (and slightly less annoying) "relationship" between Snooki and Vinny. "Vinny and I are like friends with benefits," Snooks explains, ignoring the fact that they haven't hooked up all season and friends with benefits don't usually cock-block and cry when the other person finds someone else. It turns out that I was wrong about the whole Vin/Snooki situation, though. I figured Snooks was a past drunken mistake that Vin would rather forget about, but can't because he lives with her. Turns out he has "genuine feelings" for her and could see the relationship "getting serious." My only theory is that Snooks has done a better job of turning her Shore fame into cash and Vin's looking for a sugar mama. Why else would any sane, sober human talk about settling down with Snooki?

Vinny goes through the rite of passage of 6 week old girls by getting his ears pierced, Deena tries to bring back the denim dress (leading to a pretty funny Mario Bros. joke that doesn't really translate to print), and Ron and Sammi decide to spend a quiet evening at home. Watching these two alone together leads me to believe their relationship might actually be pretty decent when it's removed from the insanity of the Shore house. But I'll probably eat my words when neither of them makes it to season 4 because they've both been arrested for attempted murder. On an unrelated note, is it just me or are the guys being more brutal with the grenades this season? After kicking some solid 8's to the curb in particularly brutal fashion, Vin tries to get it in with Snooki, who not only shoots him down, but surprisingly busts out the most empowering quote ever uttered on Jersey Shore: "I'm not anybody's last resort; I'm someone's first priority." You go, Snooks. I bet she stole that from a t-shirt at the Shore Store.

I dislike Mike Sorrentino, aka "The Situation," so much that I have thought about writing him a second open letter. Because Michael is so fame hungry, he will take on any role - whether he's qualified to do so or not. A nun losing her virginity in a porno would be a more successful venture than this.

Think of something that you suck at, then think of someone asking you to do that very same activity on national television: Would you accept the offer or would you turn 'em down? Like performing some of the worst moves in Dancing With the Stars history, Mikey defaults to "yes" whenever he's asked to do something that could garner more publicity.

We heard that Sitch's performance was BAD, but this video is hard to sit through. In fact, Snoop Dogg was so unimpressed that he couldn't resist lighting up a cigar to help kill time. Watch oily-skinned "Popeye on crack," Mike Sorrentino, attempt to roast Donald Trump. Ironically, the only thing that got roasted was Mike himself. He got burned.

The SItuation Donald Trump Roast Video

These are the "jokes" that were cut from the broadcast:

• "Yo Snoop, what up dawg ... you know you have so much in common with Donald Trump?  Trump's ancestors were into real estate ... and your ancestors were considered property."

• "I'm not from New Jersey ... I was born in Staten Island which is a New York borough ... not to be confused with the burro Marlee Matlin bl*ws onstage in Tijuana ... "

• He continued, "Relax, she didn't even hear it ... I mean hey, at least her mouth is good for something right? Hey, that was definitely some great work Marlee  ... have you ever done anything else actually?"

•  "Larry King is rockin' the Armani diaper ... Seth MacFarlane is sporting Victoria's Secret ... panties. And Snoop is wearing a Louis Vuitton condom ... nah, I'm just kidding, he don't wear condoms, you know that!"

• "I like Larry King ... he's a playa ... he actually wrote a book named 'Mr. King Is Having a Heart Attack' ... he got that title from a hooker he was f**king."

• "Trump is a good looking dude ... if your eyes are like Marlee Matlin's ears."

Staten Island! Home of the Wu-Tang Clan, Vinny Guadagnino and...probably some other things. The important thing is, this week's Jersey Shore started with the promise of another cameo from Vinny's awesomely guido-ish family, as Vin and Pauly D made a road trip to visit the greasy Guadagninos. "I didn't know Staten Island was actually an island until we crossed the bridge," Pauly said, without embarrassment. In fairness, dude's from Rhode Island, which is neither a road, nor an island. Discuss. 

Unfortunately, all the girls (and Ronnie, since Sam apparently still has full custody of his testicles) left the house as well, leaving The Situation in a lonely situation. He should probably get used to those, since he already looks like he's 40 and probably won't be rich and famous much longer. So the Sitch does what anyone does when they have the house to themselves. He furiously masturbates, talks to himself, and hangs out with the dogs (one of whom is named Lean Cuisine for some reason. That just seems like asking for Snooki to eat the pooch next time she comes home with the drunk munchies).

Then MTV decides to save on production costs by showing some scenes from The Godfather II. Oh wait, that's Vinny's family. Good Christ, what a bunch of dagos. There's one scene at Vinny's house and basically, everyone yells and eats and drips grease on each other. It's like something that got cut from a Scorsese movie because it was too Italian. Uncle Nino even has a cold cross all tangled up in his chest hair, which I haven't seen since before everyone knew John Travolta is gay. As someone who loves walking stereotypes, I wanted to weep with joy. I smell a spin-off about the Guadagnino family. 

Then it's back to the Shore house, and it turns out Mike let the un-house-broken dogs run wild the whole time everyone was gone. That's not a prank, Sitch, that's just a dick move. I guess that's what they get for leaving a 28 year-old man un-attended for a few hours. Fortunately, everyone gets over the widespread dog sh!t and goes out together that night. Snooki meets the guy who might be her future baby daddy. He meets her main requirements, because she has to get knocked up by someone who "has a vowel in their name." Ummm...I'm not even gonna touch that one. Then, the unthinkable happens...Sammi and Ron successfully date rape each other. So I guess we're back to that. F-word.

The Situation was nearly booed off stage during his stand-up routine at the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump. Mike seriously bombed but luckily Jeff Ross came to his aid.

"The Sitch," as he's called, deadpanned to Cummings, "I actually wouldn't call you a grenade because you won't be blowing up anytime soon." (Buh-dum-bum!) He told Snoop Dogg that he and Trump had a lot in common because Trump owned a lot of property and Snoop's ancestors were property. (Snoop did not appear amused.) Before long, the audience began to boo so loudly that comedian Jeffrey Ross, who's been at this so long he's known as the Roastmaster General, had to interject into the act to try to save the Situation, who'd already claimed he shared one quality with Ross: "This is my first night doing comedy." Ross responded," It's also your last,"  to overwhelming applause.

His jokes were so bad that one Comedy Central exec suggested most of it may be cut from the broadcast, which airs March 15. Mike isn't phased and thinks if he hadn't worn the aviator glasses there wouldn't have been such a negative vibe. He says he only wore them because Snoop told him to so he could read the teleprompter.

I don't care if Mike Sorrentino sucked at telling jokes, I wanna see everyone else bash him! I've got love for the Sitch, but he needs his ego bubble busted and who better to do that than folks like Lisa Lampanelli and Seth MacFarlane.

Have you ever run into your ex when you didn't expect to? Awkward, right? Now, imagine having your ex unexpectedly walk into your house, which is also filled with television cameras to film a show watched by millions of people every week. Kinda can't blame Ronnie for keeping his focus on the pitcher of cocktails he was mixing and pretty much ignoring Sammi 's unannounced return to the house of Shore. Dude probably really needed a tall glass of whatever that bright pink sh!t in that blender was right about then. 

"You look pale," Sam told Ronnie when they finally spoke. She's being sarcastic, right? As always, dude's the color of a football that's been in the oven for a few hours. "I feel like I just saw a ghost," Ron replied. If he means the ghost of the peace of mind he gained by not living under the same roof with his psycho-b!tch ex-girlfriend, then he's absolutely right.  The girls take Ronnie out to discuss what went on with Ron while she was gone (Anyone else notice there's always a half-empty bottle of champagne on that picnic table?) and when she found out how depressed he's been since she left, Sam pretty much had a Charlie Sheen moment. The look in her eyes screamed, "Winning!"

We learn Snooki's nickname for Vinny's wang (Moby Dick. Kind of unoriginal. A C+ dickname, at best), Pauly D delivers the most classic "Cabs are here!" in Shore history, and everyone goes out to the club. Nothing like two people trying to get over their relationship with each other by getting drunk at the same damn club. No way this can end badly. "Ron pretty much looks like a douche bag," says Snooki. As usual, Snooks sums up the situation as only the foremost wit of our times can. Ron does look like a douche bag, but can you really blame the guy? Trying to get back together with an ex is one of the riskiest, most degrading things a person can go through. Doing it on TV, when you're someone like Ron, who usually only cries when his 'roid dealer gets busted, can't be an easy thing.

There's more drama in the form of Snooki's jones for Vin's thing. It's gotta suck for Snook's current boyfriend, Jionni, to see his girl so hungry for her roommate's Italian sausage even after they started dating. "C'mon, you know he's doing it on purpose just to get a rise out of you," Sam tells Snooki when Vinny brings another chick home. Umm...my guess would be that he's doing it because the other chick is way, way, way hotter, but what do I know? Vin once again proves he's the only level-headed person in the house (Literally. He's the only one without ridiculous hair) by saying, "Snooki's being a hypocrite for being mad at me for having a girl. Meanwhile, Snooki hooks up with all of Seaside."

Snooki must really be a plump little ball of greasy magic in the sack. She keeps meeting all these dudes, bangin' em and then talking all kinds of sh!t, but they still come back for more! I mean, sure, she's worth millions of dollars and pretending to be attracted to her for a while could potentially make a guy world-famous, but it can't be worth letting this rust-colored lump bucket talk about what a small-dicked loser you are on national TV. This week's episode of Jersey Shore started with Snook's giving the boot to the dude she met last week and then calling some other dude within minutes. Typical Jersey Shore behavior, except for the fact that 1.) Snooki's a chick, and 2.) She's still dating this guy in real life! 

I was happy to see Mike, Pauly, and Deena bring the lolz with some work shenanigans. Deena earned her place on the show this season just by delivering the classic line, "Work sucks dick for Skittles." But then it was back to Ron sulking and b!tching and...wait a minute...is that 70s Latin heartthrob Erik Estrada? No, it's Ronnie's dad, who apparently has a thing for the thick chicks, because Ron sure as hell didn't get his physique from pops. In fact, he could probably eat pops and still have room for one of his uncles. Ron's dad is skinny, is what I'm saying. Fortunately, what he lacks in pounds, he makes up for in mustachioed guido wisdom. "Tough it out, man. What are ya gonna do?" Really? Dad came all the way down from wherever the hell Ronnie's from to dish out the same dumb @ss advice the Sitch gave last week? I thought Italians were supposed to be emotional.

Well, one stereotype out the window, another one proven: All the guidos in Jersey are related to each other! Snooki gets stood up for a date by the second cousin of the brother-in-law of the nephew of the former mailman of the guy she banged the night before. Or something like that. Point is, Snooki got shot down and if you live in the northeast and have any Italian blood in you, you're related to someone who f*cked Snooki. I'll wait why you go cry in the shower.

Everyone goes out (holy sh!t it's a different club this week!) and Snooki makes another desperate attempt at getting Vinny to stick his watermelon in her pinhole. What kind of f*cked up universe do these kids live in where after a night out, the guys are shooting down the girls? I know it's Snooki, and you're on camera, but c'mon Vin. You got a little too close to Pauly last season to be turning down straight sex on national TV. In fact, I'm starting the rumor right now: Vinny's gay. Run with it, America!