Look at who is desperately trying to be relevant?! It's none other than Paris Hilton, a rocket scientist genius person who wants to gain our favor by bragging about how much money she has. Genius! Paris is on the cover of the UK's FHM issue since we no longer want her stank a*s on our magazine covers. In the issue she talks about her stacks.

"I'm involved in my products every step of the way. My fragrances are doing really well at the moment. They've produced more than $1.3 billion in revenue since 2005."

Hilton continued: "I have 35 stores and 17 product lines. And then there's my racing team, my 14 fragrances and my new project, the Paris Hilton Beach Club chain. It's going to have nightclubs, restaurants, bars, gyms. Everything."

Paris says that she's working on new music and there are "just so many great DJs right know. I should know, I've been to over 100 raves in the past year." She's also been arrested for having coke on her a year and a half ago. It's a shame Amy Winehouse had to go instead of Paris.

Paris Hilton doesn’t have many fans left in America, so she’s turning to the Asian market. The ambiguously-careered Paris is opening eight stores in India, where she’ll sell all kinds of Paris Hilton-branded accessories and will hopefully reach a point where she can expand to apparel.

Abhinav Kumar, the CEO of the company that will be distributing her handbags and accessories, seems really optimistic that Paris will become the Jessica Simpson of India (that is, without actually having much of a sustainable career in the first place).

“By December, there will be four to five standalone stores and seven to eight by March. We have plans to invest $3-4 million in the next two years on brand building and setting up stores.”

And, meanwhile, Kim Kardashian laughs as she makes a specially-blended wedding perfume and people still eat that shiz up.

Photo: Wenn

Move over Samantha Ronson, Paris is trying to cramp your style! Paris Hilton is trying her giant hands at being a DJ. Yep, you heard that right, she thinks she can rock it out on two turntables and a microphone.

According to TMZ, Paris has been traveling the world to shadow hot DJs such as Afrojack and Deadmau5. People are apparently feeding Paris a bunch of bullsh*t by telling her she could become the "Queen of house music" because "no woman has ever taken over in that area... and she wants to become that person."

Paris is recording her skills in Ibiza right now and is pushing for an album to be released before the end of the year.

As long as she isn't squeeling like a dead cat singing, it can't be too bad... Can it? Lord help us all.

Photo: WENN

Paris Hilton is about as relevant as Flava Flav these days, and Lindsay Lohan is nothing but a punchline, so it makes sense that two-thirds of the once trifecta of A-List: Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan would join trainwreck forces again.

Friends Again: Lindsay may be latching on to Paris for the free cocaine.

It was just months ago that Paris was arrested for having cocaine in "someone else's" purse. Years prior, Lindsay claimed that she had coke in her pocket because she was wearing "someone else's" jeans. These two are soul sistahs!

Lindsay and Paris were tight once, but they'd often have feuds because that's what jealous frenemies do. Now, all is well between the two attention whores again. LiLo went to Paris' beach house for a party.

"Everyone was so surprised when Lindsay walked in and we thought they didn’t get along. But they immediately gave each other a big hug."

The gang kicked it on the beach, in Paris' hot tub and later had a mini dance party.

Paris is "very excited" to be cool with Lindsay again. Despite all the haterade I threw on these two broads in this post, I am too!

Photos: Wenn

Paris Hilton may only have turned thirty this year, but she’s already an old geezer in the realm of being famous for nothing. In a pre-Kardashian era, Paris was hot sh!t, but now nobody cares about her--and she knows it.

During an interview with ABC News, things took a dark turn when the interviewer, Dan Harris, suggested that the people who once followed in her sex tape/reality TV-laden footsteps are now overshadowing her. She denied that it bothered her, but continued to get visibly frustrated as Harris kept jabbing, mentioning her new show, The World According to Paris, and its struggling ratings.

Then, as the final blow, he asked, “Do you ever worry about your moment having past?” This must have been a touchy subject for someone who sustains herself solely on the flashing lights of the paparazzi because Paris immediately scoffed and stormed out.

In the end, after a heated discussion with her publicist, she comes back and puts on her greatest beauty queen, fake-caring smile and spits out a well-rehearsed response. “I’ve been doing this for 15 years now, so it’s been a long time so just like any other business person or someone in the industry, it is always important to reinvent yourself and come up with new projects.”

Which answers the question not at all. Bah! Ignoring it won’t make it any less true.

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In an age of Spanx, there's no excuse for walking around with a gut. Paris Hilton, who recently split from boyfriend Cy Waits, was photographed yesterday with what appears to be a baby bump. We would consider this to be an apocalyptic sign, but we'd be forgetting how hoes like Nicole Richie and Ashlee Simpson tamed their ways after pushing out a kid.

You'd think that Paris would outsource the whole pregnancy thing and go the surrogate route, but this way she scores more magazine covers.

Now if Paris isn't knocked up, I'm still thankful for this rumor. I don't care if it will make her cry because we think she's "fat." Anything that motivates her to stay out of the spotlight for more than a few hours couldn't be a bad thing. This rumor is a win-win for everyone. When Ms. Hilton actually does produce offspring one day, will they be better off than Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller's doomed twins? Uh... congrats?!

Photos: Fame & Pacific Coast News

Paris Hilton can't survive a week without penis, so days after it was announced that she and Cy Waits split, she already had a new boyfriend. Paris' new guy is The Hangover director Todd Phillips, 40.

So how'd they meet? Neither one of 'em had to say "I'm single, you're single. Let's have sex" cause when you're in the same room with Paris, sex is pretty much a done deal after saying hi.

Paris has known Todd "for years." They're both from the Big Apple and they roll in the same social circle. And although they haven't been together for very long, they're both smitten. Todd thinks that she's "beautiful and hilarious" and Paris finds Todd "really funny and sexy." Paris and Tood "have incredible chemistry together and she really respects him and looks up to him," according to a source.

Photo: Fame

Paris Hilton made an appearance with her mother Kathy on Piers Morgan Tonight last night, and touched on normal Paris topics such as growing up as a Hilton, building her empire, and that little sex tape that helped catapult her even further into the spotlight when it was released in 2002. Paris says she trusted her ex-boyfriend Rick Solomon, whom she made the sex tape with, thinking he wouldn't release it, and says it has given her a bad reputation.

"Now when people look at me they think that I'm something I'm not just because of one incident one night with someone who I was in love with.

"People assume 'Oh, she's a slut' because of one thing that happened to me and it's hard because I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life and explain it to my children. And it's something that's changed my life forever and I'll never be able to erase it."

Actually Paris, it wasn't just the sex tape that gave you the slutty image.... Going out on the town without panties and giving paparazzi clear shots of your vag on numerous occasions might have something to do with it, along with the school bus load worth of men you've been linked to in the last few years.

Kathy Hilton still hurts over Paris' sex tape and starts to break down, while Paris discusses her homemade porn flick which Paris says is "the most embarrassing, humiliating thing that has ever happened to me in my life."

Check out a clip of Paris discussing the sex tape and the repercussions, after the jump!

Photos: WENN

Sigh. The latest Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan feud is over before it ever even started. Though Ms. Hilton’s snappy reference to LiLo’s sticky fingers on her Oxygen show The World According to Paris seemed like the perfect segue way into a full-on b!tchy blow-to-blow, Paris put the kibosh on the dramz.

In a move that shows a surprising amount of maturity and lack of milking what little public scandal she can still get, Paris Hilton told TMZ, "I apologize to Lindsay for the comment that I made. I was joking around but it was thoughtless and unnecessary. I am reaching out to Lindsay so I can tell her myself."

So...wait. A Paris-Lindsay fight is ending in civil apologies and reconciliations? Man, things really have changed.

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are at each other's throats, presumably because they think there's only room for one talentless, leathery skinned, famous-for-no-reason dumb @ss in the world. Obviously these girls have never seen Jersey Shore.