"We're pretty much finding out who the real troublemaker is and it's...Snooki!" The Situation started last night's episode of Jersey Shore by saying that with a straight face. Yes, the girl who's main priority this season is keeping her relationship intact while Mike tries to destroy it is definitely the one causing problems in the house. That pantsless, drunken tirade Mike went on last week must have been carefully edited to make him look like the sociopathic lunatic.

After basically accusing Snooki of being the tanned lovechild of Lucifer and Newt Gingrich, Mike gets on the duck phone to start trying to destroy her. He and The Unit talk for a few minutes about Deena's sister's sex life, and I guess we'll have to wait for the uncensored DVD to know what the hell they said, because the entire conversation was bleeped out. Anyway, Mike seemed to have gotten the info he needed, so it's time to teach that b!tch a lesson about stirring up unnecessary drama! Or something...

As proof of what an evil devil woman she is, Snooki wakes Mike up to invite him to go out. He declines and everyone else hits the town for the same Seaside clubbing we've seen roughly 4,000 times at this point. The highlight was definitely JWoww's weird, depressed attempt to do The Robot. The Snooki vs. Sitch conflict is certainly the best part of this season so far, but the escalating war between JWoww and Roger has now taken second place in terms of weird drama. We know that these two are still dating in real life, yet we watch them play weird head games with each other with the expectation that they'll break up any minute. Who knew Jenni was the type to tolerate this kind of sh!t?

Quick sidenote: Vinny getting shot down by a lesbian and then effortlessly banging another chick who freakin' followed him home demonstrates why the public is beginning to lose interest in this show. It's reached the point where these guys have to put literally zero effort into getting laid. They're famous millionaires being followed around some Jersey tourist town by an MTV camera crew. Given that situation, John Goodman would be knee deep in willing turnpike trim. Anyway, back to the episode...

"I got my boyfriend back," came the triumphant shout from Pauly D at the start of last night's Jersey Shore. "I got the smush room tonight!" And with that, the gay innuendo between Pauly and Vinny went from playful joke between friends to two passionate guidos outing themselves in front of a national TV audience. But the leathery lovers managed to keep their hands of one another long enough to hit the club with their roommates in celebration of Vin's return to the house. As a reminder of what he was missing out on her, Snooki literally peed herself in public. Welcome home, bro!

The hard times continue for Team Meatball the next morning, as Deena gives herself an electric shock trying to repair yet another extension mishap (What the hell is this chick doing to her hair at the club?), and Snooki braces for more bladder control problems by doubling up on underwear. Man, is anyone else, like, crazy turned on by these girls? But some minor head and crotch problems aren't enough to keep these girls from a Sunday fun day bender. The whole crew hits the boardwalk, where Snooki determines that she has a UTI (clarifying that that does not stand for "Ultimate Tanning Institute") and prescribes herself 40 shots of tequila for the pain. Makes sense.

There's a new phenomenon afoot this season in which Mike splinters off from the group to hang with townie hangers-on whenever possible. Last night Sitch decided to open up about his new habit to an epically wasted Deena and Snooki. "I feel like there's certain people that like to gang up and talk sh!t behind my back," adding that he thinks the guys in the house are conspiring against him, and pretending that he's done nothing to deserve the cold shoulder. At this point, Mike has decided he's the most persecuted good guy since Jesus, and he plans to do something about it. "Here comes The Situation...and you're not gonna like it," he threatens. This should end well.

After some more talk about Snooki's bladder and an unfortunate glimpse of Mike's pubes, Snooks and The Sitch decide to finally try and patch things up. At first, it looked like bad news for everyone who was hoping the return of Psycho Mike might liven up what's thus far been a pretty boring season of Shore. Fortunately, dude quickly worked himself up into a drunken hissy fit, and as his pants dropped, his voice rose, until he was basically screaming at his roommates about nothing in particular with his dick hanging out. Good to have you back to full strength, you lunatic a-hole.

When the random dude who makes millions running "the Jersey Shore t-shirt store" pays an unannounced visit to the house, you know he's there to stir up drama. But because we're supposed to forget that everyone involved with this show is making ungodly bank, he's just there to play pissed off boss/landlord. He's pissed that Vinny and The Situation went AWOL and he's fixin' to replace them, dammit! Of course, MTV would never, in a million years let some Jersey rando who sells wife beaters on the boardwalk for a living pick new castmembers for the network's most popular show, but the trick actually works and the guidos are convinced they're about to be saddled with new roommates.

But then, as if on cue, Mike returns to the house explaining that "Cancers are very sensitive people" to the interest of absolutely no one. Sigh, I was looking forward to a new house douche bag. Vinny, however, is a different story. The roommates call asking him to come home for Mike and Pauly D's surprise birthday party, but Vin politely declines. See, Vinny is the anti-Situation. People actually like him and want him to come home and he didn't leave as desperate cry for attention - dude really wanted to leave. Fortunately, everything the Shore whores do is tabloid fodder, so we already know Vin comes home eventually (maybe even *SPOILER ALERT* later tonight).

Next, in what feels like the opening scene in a snuff film, the girls meet up with some intensely creepy stripper pimp who helps them set up for Mike and Pauly's party and resists the urge to fill his trunk with Meatballs. But while a Jersey stripper pimp is pretty scary, even scarier is what's happening at the Shore Store - the search for a new roommate has begun! Because they're millionaires who have no real fear of being fired from a t-shirt shop, JWoww rips down Danny's "Help Wanted" sign to discourage further inquiries. She could've just shown every applicant footage of Snooki and Deena dry-humping each other in bunny costumes, which is something that seriously happened last night.

After all the drama, it's finally surprise party time. Shockingly, Pauly and The Sitch are not hard to surprise. "I got cakes, I got strippers...this is the best day of my life," says Pauly. Mike on the other hand can't be cheered up even by those incredible circumstances. He somehow manages to bring one of the strippers home, but chooses not to bang her because of some heated argument about matching socks. I'm beginning to think there's something to this "gay Situation" theory.

So we've already seen murderous pimps, humping bunnies and some unlikely sock drama, but this isn't one of those episodes that lumps all the good stuff into the first half hour. No, the real highlights are yet to come, including one of the most unexpectedly awesome scenes in the illustrious history of Jersey Shore...

There's been a lot of speculation lately about Vinny Guadagnino and Pauly D being gay guido lovers (GGLs). I initially dismissed it, thinking the guys were just caught up in the throes of a passionate bromance, but after seeing Pauly descend into full Shakespearean tragedy mode after Vinny left the house on last night's episode of Jersey Shore, I'm beginning to think these two might be smearing their fake tans on one another's private parts.

Even weirder were the reactions from Deena ("I love him!") and Jionni (asking Snooki, "Do you love him?!"). Relax, guys. Vinny's cool, but he's not Ferris freakin' Bueller. There are worse things than one of your friends heading back to Staten Island a few weeks ahead of schedule. Vinny's family has an equally dramatic reaction to his return home, but because his mom is the old-school, loving Italian type, she welcomes him with open arms, instead of smacking him for quitting the world's easiest seven-figure job.

Fortunately, Snooki is around to keep things perspective. "Let's just get wastey pants," she says, coining my new favorite term for getting hammered. Before noon, the Meatballs are humping each other on top of the bar and doing body shots with Deena's surprisingly non-hideous sister. Despite stumbling to a cab while the sun is still up, Snooki is somehow back out that night swilling vodka and attempting to break dance, which leads me to believe she's somehow grown a second liver.

The whole crew heads out for round three and Snooki has somehow sobered up yet again. She's soon in need of a serious Cuervo infusion, though, as The Situation's d-bag friend The Unit is (as always) hanging out at Karma waiting to make her life miserable. Why is this dude suddenly around all the time? Where was he the first four seasons? Why is he wearing a vest with no shirt under it? Despite my many questions about The Unit, he's certainly made this season more interesting, and last night's episode was no exception...

Vinny Guadagnino is a closet homosexual, IMO, and Pauly D is one too. Vinny left the Jersey Shore house on last Thursday's episode and, w hile packing his bags in his room, Vinny tells Pauly "The hardest part is leaving you." Now that was romantical!

Vinny and Pauly D's gay jokes don't just come in the form of words, they cum in the form of physical embraces, dry humping sessions, unwrapping condoms, and assuming the position.

On last Thursday's episode, Pauly hooks up with a girl and promptly kicks her out of the house AT 4 IN THE MORNING. She then returns the next day wearing a bikini and looking amazing and Pauly doesn't even glance at her body, he's more concerned with having her GTFO.

I was offended by Pauly D's actions, how he literally treats women like garbage, and then I remembered that he is so obviously queer. Jersey Shore has been around for like 4 years now and Pauly has never had a girlfriend and the same goes for Vinny?! There is literally no excuse, except they're batting for the other team. Well, they're batting for each other's team... well they're on the same damn team and I think Pauly's the pitcher and Vinny's the catcher.

The guidos made their long awaited return to the States on last night's episode of Jersey Shore, but first they had to say good-bye to the city overseas where they fought, partied, and...didn't really get laid all that much. "I can't get a haircut out here; I can't get a tan out here, and the gym sucks," Pauly D said of Florence while the crew made their way to the airport. I'm excited to see the Shore whores back in Jersey, too. Not so that they continue to party at the same lame boardwalk clubs while pretending they're not rich and famous, but so they can stop with all the ugly American culture shock griping. We get it! There aren't a lot of tanning beds in Europe! They have more interesting ways of getting cancer...like smoking.

As was widely reported at the time it happened, the crew went straight from the airport to the Seaside house, with no break in filming. And of course they gushed about how happy they were to be home for the duration of the journey. "It's like America's my mother. I'm coming home to my mother," said Ronnie. Okay, guys, it's not like you were in Baghdad. Maybe you'll stop getting those stupid green, white, and red flag tattoos now that you've realized you're way more American than you'll ever be Italian. Happy as they are to be home, it's not long before the Orangemen get caught up in some drama.

"No one wants to room with Mike," says Pauly. It's a problem that came up in Italy, where The Situation was his usual douchey self. Now he seems eager to make amends, but no one's having it. Everyone agrees to their old rooming arrangements, so of course, once they're settled, Vinny Guadagnino wastes no time violently dry-humping his roommate, Pauly. Lord, I can only imagine what goes down when they're not on camera. Fortunately, Ron, Sammi, and The Sitch all back in the same room again, which should lead to the same hilarious, but borderline scary drama those three have created in seasons past.

"I never knew how much I missed pickles and pickle juice until I got back," says Snooki, and, amazingly, she's actually talking about brined cucumbers. As she slurps pickle juice straight from the jar (seriously) everyone else hits the sauce, then the boardwalk, and it's like season one all over again. But as important as drinking and partying are to the Jersey Shore experience, they're not the key ingredients. There were three important letters missing from last season and the guys mean to make up for lost time.

"If we don't GTL, it's like the end of civilization," says The Sitch, and he's right. I'm pretty sure the fall of the Roman Empire was caused by d-bags not radiating their skin. But while the guys are in heaven, the girls are in hell, lying around the house and stressing about the men in their lives. They dejectedly drag their jet-lagged @sses to a drinks session with their boss, only to find...

The fifth (!) season of Jersey Shore kicks off tomorrow night, and, as always, we'll be here to recap every greasy, drunken minute of it. But to hold you over until then, MTV has released another preview of the guidos long-awaited return to their home turf.

"We lookin' fabulous right now," proclaims The Situation, without irony, as he gets a cross shaved in the back of his head and shellacks his inch of hair with a half can of Aqua Net. Not much is revealed in this clip: the guys get hair cuts, Pauly D proclaims his love for American "babahs"...but for some reason, we're now looking forward to season 5 more than ever.

With any luck, the return to Seaside will offer more in the way of drama and quotable one-liners than the original snoozefest trailer suggests. We can only hope. Anyway, happy Jerz-day Eve! It's like Christmas Eve, but with more Valtrex.

Jersey Shore season 5 premieres on January 5th and MTV has already begun to promote its hit show. This is a promo photo for the upcoming season. The colors look gorge, but overall the picture is disturbing and reminds me of how fake the show actually is.

Would Mike Sorrentino ever allow Deena Nicole Cortese to get that near his crotch?! If it's supposed to be summertime, why the hell is Nicole wearing a jacket and knee high boots?

JWoww is looking like a mannequin and Vinny Guadagnino has officially come out the closet. Wrapping both arms around your man, dude? Who knew Vinny was this territorial.

At any given moment, a guido or guidette from the Jersey Shore is selling something or another. Whether it’s perfume or tuxedos or a line of shoes that look like they came straight off a Cabbage Doll, you can pretty much guarantee whatever they’re hawking is going to be more LOL-tastic than legitimate. But when it comes to Pauly D’s rap career, apparently 50 Cent thinks he’s got what it takes to make it for real.

50 Cent confirmed on Twitter that Pauly D has officially signed on to his G-Note record label, and promises “Big Big Things In The Works.” Alright.

He’s opened for Britney Spears, so maybe he has some legit rap skillz or whatever, but I cannot look him in the face or listen to a word he says without thinking about how many holes he has single-handedly inflicted on the ozone layer, based on all the hairspray that boy must use.

The fourth season of Jersey Shore is at an end and we all enjoyed watching our favorite guidos fighting, smushing, and suffering from GTL withdrawal in Florence. But if you think you saw it all, you're mistaken. In fact, it seems like MTV could craft another season's worth of episodes out of what they left on the cutting room floor.

First of all, remember when JWoww's boyfriend Roger had to cancel his visit? Ever wonder why she wasn't more upset about it? Turns out, he just postponed the trip. Roger and Jenni totally did hang out in Italy (that's a picture of them shopping in Florence), the visit was apparently just too boring to bother putting it on the show.

But while that editing decision makes sense (healthy relationships don't make for good reality TV), some of the incidents that got cut out could've been hugely entertaining. The Taltos twins - who are now desperately trying to score their own show - were way more involved with the cast than you would know from watching this season. In fact, Deena and Snooki drunkenly confronted the twins on the streets of Florence, resulting in what was said to be a hilarious midday screaming match. Sadly, the producers decided there were already enough scenes featuring Team Meatball acting like drunk idiots.

Anyone who watched the show closely enough could pick up on several other aspects of the Italy trip that never made it to air. For example, we learned in the season finale that the Shore kids weren't the only Americans working at the pizzeria. You know Pauly D tried to smush those girls. Maybe the fact that so much potentially good stuff had to be cut out is just a testament to how entertaining The Sitch and company really are. But don't leave us out of the loop, MTV. Give us a special episode featuring the best deleted scenes from Florence. Anything to help us get throughthe next four months without our weekly does of spray-tanned debauchery. #GuidoProblems

(Photo: WENN)