One word I don't use often is "mortified," but that's exactly what I was last Saturday night. I wanted to see The Reader forever and I figured that Saturday night I would do just that. So I threw on some clothes, literally, and headed out the door for the theatre to meet up with friends. I wanted to exercise. I don't live far from the theatre, 20 mins away to be exact. But I also don't live far from my former university, either, 4 mins away to be exact.

So I go to the theater looking like shit, well, at least by my standards. I don't really wear makeup much anymore because this is my face, deal with it. I also don't dress like I'm hitting the runway in order to do the simplest of tasks. Living in soCal, this makes me a rebel. So anyway, I go to the theater, I'm running a little late so I had to do a lil hustling, which didn't exactly help me to look any hotter. I arrive. I'm in line with friends when I suddenly hear a very familiar voice behind me. It's my former teacher talking to some chick he's going on a date with at the movies. I'm completely mortified.

To understand why this was so irksome you must know the context. I had a crush on said teacher, which really isn't saying much, I have a crush on everyone. But he also threatened to expel me from school. Now I won't say why, I'll leave it open-ended because it sounds all scandalous and the possibilities are endless. It was a stressful time to say the least. I remember telling some friends, "All of this can be resolved with a blowjob!" How right I was! It was resolved! :) But, no, a BJ was not my saving grace. As I said, I'm not disclosing the details of what went down.

So, as you can imagine, he is one of the last people that I would like to run into while rockin' my getup which was nothing less than Absolute Trash Chic. I hear his very familiar voice, I've taken semester after semester with him, enrolling in his various classes. I slowly turn around, very slowly. It's him. Shit!

He's standing right behind me. I'm not so sure if he saw me when I turned around though. Being the rocket scientist genius person that I am, I move my friends and I over to the only other line, one on his left. I don't tell them what's going on. They don't need to know right now. "I'll tell you later." I knew they'd stare at him and be way obvious. I then try to hide. Like I said, I'm a genius. So I put my hoodie on in the warm soCal "winter" weather. I didn't put the hood on, though, but I toss my hair to the side, put my hoodie on over my clothes and purse and zip it up, hence making it impossible for me to retrieve my effing money, but I was desperately trying to hide. I begin sending text messages to myself while I feel his eyes on me the entire time. He's only standing in the line about 2 feet away from me, gazing at me and my Absolute Trash Chic texting ass. I look at him and he looks away before he starts staring at me again. So embarrassed.

Me and him made nice after his threats to get me removed from the campus weren't put into action. I respect him greatly and I'd love to run into him, but not while he's on a date with some broad! It was really a disgusting course of events and I dunno why the college kids and teachers all have to hang out in the same spots. Aaaahhhh.

I'm in the job hunting process right now because I wanna have money to do things like travel, get butt facials and buy my panties at Victoria's Secret instead of Walmart. I realize that it's crucial for me to get another job in order to do these things, so I'm on the prowl.

For years I've told people my view on job hunting, 'Job hunting is prostitution!' When I tell people that they either laugh, give me some stink eye, or both. When they're done reacting, they always ask, "Why? Explain what you mean by that?"

It's really simple. First of all, as a job seeker, you have to dress up. This is where the exploitation begins. You're putting in the effort to sell yourself, i.e. your body, and you're hoping that it sells for the right price.

Next, you meet up with the interviewer in a private, publicly undisclosed location to discuss transactions. Upon initial introduction, he or she looks you up and down, figures out whether or not you're their style then asks, "What can you do for me?" and how much you charge for service. Now that is clearly prostitution plain and simple.

This form of prostitution is a grueling, time consuming process, but in the end no one climaxes. Unless you start having sex with your boss or co-workers. I don't have to job hunt; I just think I have too much time on my hands and I'd like to make some new sexy co-workers cause I do shit where I eat. It makes for wonderful stories at various social functions like with prospective employers at job fairs.

Everyone is married. And by everyone, I mean your former friend, her neighbor, her little sister, her cat, her gay boss, her mother's ex-boyfriend, her mother's ex-boyfriend's son, and the kid with one arm and no eyes from down the street you grew up on.

So I contacted one of my former friends on a social networking site. Real specific, I know. Anyway, I wanted to contact her forever. You see, we were BFFs since we were four years old!!! She went to a different high school, then college came around and we stopped talking a few years after we started attending different schools.

I always knew that I wanted to contact her online. She was simply a click away but, fearful of possible rejection, I resisted. Online disses can be hurtful. Deleting a motherfucker is a virtual dick slap in the face. It's equivalent to a text message break-up by your lover while you're climaxing. It's unforgivable! It's evil! It means war! It actually sucks and I wanted nothing of it, so I didn't say shiz to her for years and it's not like people could find me on this site either, because I don't even have my first name on there.

But I've been making positive changes in '09. I've gone from not only thinking about the things that I aspire to do, but actually saying that I'm thinking about them too. So I sent her a message. She responded by sending a very lovely message back, but she also told me that she's married. Years after we lost contact she wrote to my parents and told them that she was engaged. I wonder if it's to the same dude? Anyway, not only is she married but her sister who is three years younger is also married. I feel old. Unwanted. Haggard. Do my uterus and ovaries still work? I really wanna be a mother one day. My time is running out. Kidding. There's plenty of hot bums on the street that I can choose from, I'm okay.

So she then asks for updates on my life. I still have yet to respond. I'm young. I have no need to be apologetic about my single status, but society teaches us that our ultimate goal in life should be to get married and procreate. Sigh. So I'll mention to her that I was engaged before. Sigh. Does that make me sound like more or less of a loser? I mean, I don't wanna sound like Jennifer Aniston. So... I'll just tell her that I'm a lesbian and the reason why I'm not married is because Prop 8 passed. Problem solved.

As you know, US Airways Flight 1549 had an emergency landing in the Hudson River of New York City yesterday. All 150 people aboard the plane were saved miraculously by the quick action of hero pilot Chelsey Sullenberger of San Diego, another pilot and three flight attendants.

I was a little frustrated that NO ONE mentioned that these passengers lost their carry-on luggage?!! I'm talkin' ALL electronics are soaking, actual cash, jewelry, clothing, gifts, books... these passengers have lost irreplaceable items. Of course they're thrilled to be alive to talk about it, but when their relief subsides, they will be piisssssed!

I remember when I was driving at the bottom of a hill one time - an extremely steep hill - and I ran a stop sign because I didn't see it. A speeding truck, and I mean speeding due to an accelerated pace caused by the gravity of the hill or just cause he was speeding, came racing down the hill. I was nowhere near to being clear of the truck's path. I gassed it and I barely missed that major collision.

I pulled over to the side of the road where my entire body shook for a few minutes. When I stopped freakin' out, I was livid that my huge Big Gulp from 7 Eleven had splattered all over the floor of the car! Sure, I was safe and uninjured, but I was thirsty and pissed! Priorities, people. If I were a passenger on flight 1549, my losses accrued would be exponentially greater than that of a few dozen ounces of fructose and water. I feel for them.

Sidenote: Some passengers didn't have their life vests inflated, I'm guessing the ones not wearing a life vest are swimmers. I strongly believe passengers should be able to board a plane with a mock plane crash course so that they'll be familiar with what they need to do when it matters. Obviously I can be a cautious person. This is the same reason why I drive on an empty gas tank sometimes but make sure that I have at least one bar's worth of battery power available on my cell phone. Priorities, people.

Editor's Note: Here's my top 10 craziest Google searches (in Italics) that led people to this site, non-italicized words = my commentary.

1. a picture of a naked women smacked as hard as possible
2. can a man impregnate a gorilla video - Do you have a local zoo you can go to where you can try this out?
3. picture of a butt hole - Jeremy Piven. Daddy Dude.
4. jack daniels blanket - Where is this available and does it come with booze?
5. 2009 year of pussy calendar
6. pics of horny crackheads - Yo mama!
7. lick jessica simpsons asshole - Because it... drumroll, please, tastes like chicken.
8. does jessica alba look white - Not since the last time I checked.
9. how to make wife whore
10. bitches fighting nude - Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Right now I'm in Florida and it's almost 11 p.m. at night and my flight leaves in the morning. I'm putting some posts up on the posting schedule for ya so POTP will be posting new posts while I'm flying. I may squeeze a few more out after I land in California, but I'm not making any promises. Things will be back to normal tomorrow, though, I pinky toe swear.

My trip was overdue! But incredibly vanilla. Didn't. Get. Laid. It was hurtful and deeply traumatizing, but the rest of my Florida trip was big fun. Got schnockered in Miami - those drinks were too damn strong, went to Disneyworld for the first time, ate lots of Jamaican food and had men hit on me in Spanish... I feel cultured. Most important, I got to see lots of folk I haven't seen in forever.

In summary, thank you for poppin' while I was away. Jester is good stuff and we appreciate the comments. Y'all are getting interactive and shiz in 2009! :) Here's to more fun gossip!

<3

Firecracker

It's a holiday, all, and you know what that means here at POTP - we're acting like common folk and taking the day off. Tonight I'm going to a house party that should be a lot of fun, (I'm typing this out at 7:30 p.m. Eastern and putting it up on my schedule to post early in the morning of January 1, 2009).

Can you believe it's '09 already?! I swear Y2K feels like yesterday, and something tells me that it will always feel like yesterday because the memories remain vivid. I haven't been looking forward to a new year so badly in ages! Thank you for being a part of what makes my life feel so special and fun.

Happy New Year!!!

I'll be poppin' tomorrow but I'm taking a trip over the weekend, so expect that posting may consist of Google Searches and Hot Links only tomorrow.

Lots of smooches, hugs and air blown kisses,

Firecracker

Editor's Note: Here's my top 10 craziest Google searches (in Italics) that led people to this site, non-italicized words = my commentary.

1. mormon lotion - I think I'd get knocked up if I ever tried to use this as a lube, but I'm interested in trying out some of this in aloe for the hand and body.
2. indian girls pissing and pit - Is this some kind of ritual I can get in on?
3. married sluts - Sounds like a hot porn.
4. hey google what's eminem been up to - Haha. Me and Google be tight too. Hey Google, what's Oprah's checking account pin number?
5. small, penis photos - Yes, you are still small even if you find pictures of men who are smaller.
6. lookin' good for jesus - Are you showing some tits, butt cleavage or testicles? If not, you're completely overdressed.
7. what is panty pudding - Body fluids that flow like a river in the mom jeans of Claymates at a Gayken concert before, after and during the show.
   
8. hairy girls crotch - I'm having visuals of this one girl from gym class in middle school. I'll leave it at that.
9. patty the pussing pimple - Hmmmm.... This character needs to be written into Hannah Montana somehow. Patty could be chipper, yet edumacational.
10. the hottest bulge in the west - My gut. WESTSIIIIDE, fool! I be makin' it rain on dem skinny ass hoes. Stuntin' is a habit.

Editor's Note: Here's my top 10 craziest Google searches (in Italics) that led people to this site, non-italicized words = my commentary.

1. are gay boyfriends worth it - If they're hawt, rich and help you pick out clothes, YES!
2. horny old man with period sluts pictures - I kind of like this. Next time, instead of shouting out the traditional "Effing bitch," I'mma call a ho a PERIOD SLUT!
3. "took a dump" nervous - Awww... you've taken your first dump in your boyfriend's bathroom. Your relationship is getting serious. But, don't worry, he won't give a shit that you gave a shit in the toilet, unless it stinks really bad... I see why you're nervous. Quick! Light a match.
4. future slut- Suri Cruise!
5. jessica simpson is fat! - No she's not!
6. brown pimple puss - Doesn't sound like a pimple, just a new Paris Hilton outbreak somewhere.
7. how jessica biel got her ass - Yours will never look like Jessica Biel's, but you can try butt implants and botox injections in your ass cheeks to see what result that brings.
8. love to suck - Popsicles and lollipops.
   
9. i dont want to see hot picsof hannah montana i want preety not sexy
10. granny with make-up - Is actually working as a hooker on the side. You know the economy is really bad when grannys be turnin' tricks just to buy denture cleaner.

On Sunday morning I finished packing my bags at 2:30 a.m. then woke up at 4:30 a.m. to catch my flight at 6:42 a.m. I then flew from SoCal to my East Coast destination. I was very upset that I had no internet access while I was flying. I thought I would. I didn't get it. I felt like it was all a deceptive master plan to piss me off. I suddenly wanted a refund on my ticket. And my Verizon Wireless broadband chip. And my Mac Book Pro. Straight WTF?!

POTP means the world to me. It is this job that's allowing me to take this vacation in the first place. In no way am I trying to neglect my duties. In fact, I had already written around eight drafts before Monday, and I was planning on putting a week's worth of posts on my posting schedule to appear this Monday - Friday, but plans changed when pretty much no news broke this weekend. Which made it pretty difficult to squeeze the nips out of 5 stories to make enough milk for 50.

So it's Monday, almost 6 p.m. Eastern, and I will attempt to do my best at getting y'all caught up on the gossip. I know that some of my posts won't be the timeliest of entries this week, but please know that I work hard cough on them and I'm posting em so you can read the random 2 cents I tend to deliver, because that's how I roll.

Also, On behalf of all POTP readers, thank you Jester for stepping in and blogging for me next week.