Recaps (Page 8)

Have you ever run into your ex when you didn't expect to? Awkward, right? Now, imagine having your ex unexpectedly walk into your house, which is also filled with television cameras to film a show watched by millions of people every week. Kinda can't blame Ronnie for keeping his focus on the pitcher of cocktails he was mixing and pretty much ignoring Sammi 's unannounced return to the house of Shore. Dude probably really needed a tall glass of whatever that bright pink sh!t in that blender was right about then. 

"You look pale," Sam told Ronnie when they finally spoke. She's being sarcastic, right? As always, dude's the color of a football that's been in the oven for a few hours. "I feel like I just saw a ghost," Ron replied. If he means the ghost of the peace of mind he gained by not living under the same roof with his psycho-b!tch ex-girlfriend, then he's absolutely right.  The girls take Ronnie out to discuss what went on with Ron while she was gone (Anyone else notice there's always a half-empty bottle of champagne on that picnic table?) and when she found out how depressed he's been since she left, Sam pretty much had a Charlie Sheen moment. The look in her eyes screamed, "Winning!"

We learn Snooki's nickname for Vinny's wang (Moby Dick. Kind of unoriginal. A C+ dickname, at best), Pauly D delivers the most classic "Cabs are here!" in Shore history, and everyone goes out to the club. Nothing like two people trying to get over their relationship with each other by getting drunk at the same damn club. No way this can end badly. "Ron pretty much looks like a douche bag," says Snooki. As usual, Snooks sums up the situation as only the foremost wit of our times can. Ron does look like a douche bag, but can you really blame the guy? Trying to get back together with an ex is one of the riskiest, most degrading things a person can go through. Doing it on TV, when you're someone like Ron, who usually only cries when his 'roid dealer gets busted, can't be an easy thing.

There's more drama in the form of Snooki's jones for Vin's thing. It's gotta suck for Snook's current boyfriend, Jionni, to see his girl so hungry for her roommate's Italian sausage even after they started dating. "C'mon, you know he's doing it on purpose just to get a rise out of you," Sam tells Snooki when Vinny brings another chick home. Umm...my guess would be that he's doing it because the other chick is way, way, way hotter, but what do I know? Vin once again proves he's the only level-headed person in the house (Literally. He's the only one without ridiculous hair) by saying, "Snooki's being a hypocrite for being mad at me for having a girl. Meanwhile, Snooki hooks up with all of Seaside."

Snooki must really be a plump little ball of greasy magic in the sack. She keeps meeting all these dudes, bangin' em and then talking all kinds of sh!t, but they still come back for more! I mean, sure, she's worth millions of dollars and pretending to be attracted to her for a while could potentially make a guy world-famous, but it can't be worth letting this rust-colored lump bucket talk about what a small-dicked loser you are on national TV. This week's episode of Jersey Shore started with Snook's giving the boot to the dude she met last week and then calling some other dude within minutes. Typical Jersey Shore behavior, except for the fact that 1.) Snooki's a chick, and 2.) She's still dating this guy in real life! 

I was happy to see Mike, Pauly, and Deena bring the lolz with some work shenanigans. Deena earned her place on the show this season just by delivering the classic line, "Work sucks dick for Skittles." But then it was back to Ron sulking and b!tching and...wait a minute...is that 70s Latin heartthrob Erik Estrada? No, it's Ronnie's dad, who apparently has a thing for the thick chicks, because Ron sure as hell didn't get his physique from pops. In fact, he could probably eat pops and still have room for one of his uncles. Ron's dad is skinny, is what I'm saying. Fortunately, what he lacks in pounds, he makes up for in mustachioed guido wisdom. "Tough it out, man. What are ya gonna do?" Really? Dad came all the way down from wherever the hell Ronnie's from to dish out the same dumb @ss advice the Sitch gave last week? I thought Italians were supposed to be emotional.

Well, one stereotype out the window, another one proven: All the guidos in Jersey are related to each other! Snooki gets stood up for a date by the second cousin of the brother-in-law of the nephew of the former mailman of the guy she banged the night before. Or something like that. Point is, Snooki got shot down and if you live in the northeast and have any Italian blood in you, you're related to someone who f*cked Snooki. I'll wait why you go cry in the shower.

Everyone goes out (holy sh!t it's a different club this week!) and Snooki makes another desperate attempt at getting Vinny to stick his watermelon in her pinhole. What kind of f*cked up universe do these kids live in where after a night out, the guys are shooting down the girls? I know it's Snooki, and you're on camera, but c'mon Vin. You got a little too close to Pauly last season to be turning down straight sex on national TV. In fact, I'm starting the rumor right now: Vinny's gay. Run with it, America!

Jenni and Tom's breakup, Snooki's alcoholism, Mike's transformation into boring run-of-the-mill guido who doesn't deserve his own ridiculous nickname - with all the depressing melodrama, this season of Jersey Shore has looked more like an awards-baiting scripted series than a reality show about a bunch of tan people who like to get hammered and spit out funny catchphrases. Thanks, MTV, but if I wanted to see a bunch of "relatable" sad sack bullsh!t, I'd stick around for Skins, and we both know that's not gonna happen. I was hoping with Sammi  leaving the show last week, we would all finally be able to stop re-living painful moments from past broken relationships and start re-living painful moments from past unprotected one-night stands (the itching, the burning sensations, etc.). Ronnie was a one-man VD epidemic in Miami last season, and that was while he was still in a relationship. Surely, with Sam out of the picture we would see a return of the reckless, probably coked-up, good-time Ronnie of seasons past. Right? Eh, not so much...

"I don't know how to pick myself up from the hole that I've dug myself into" a teary-eyed Ron tells the camera at the start of last night's episode. OK, so metaphors aren't his strong suit, but you can tell the guy is really hurting. Luckily, he has the Shakespeare of Staten Island there to ease his troubled mind through the power of language. "Get up and go walk around. Go do something," The Situation tells Ron as he's hunched over and sobbing. See, this is why women handle breakups better than men. Women stay up all night talking things through with their girlfriends, while guys tell each other to "walk it off" like it's a damn charlie horse. "I'm like a deep dude," Sitch tells us afterward. "Listening to Mike talk about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor talk about flying planes," Ron responds. Hmm...maybe dude does know his way around an analogy. He's like one of those things that's good sometimes, but not other times.

Since Mike let him down, Ronnie seeks comfort from Snooki, JWoww, and legendary Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards (Oh, sorry. That's just Deena without make-up). The girls are no help, either, though, as they apparently have decided to side with Sammi, because she also has a vagina. Ron sulks off to go listen to The Cure and cut himself or something, and the rest of the house gets embroiled in a prank war that quickly escalates to the level of dog sh!t in the bed, which is pretty much the prank war equivalent of going nuclear.

Apparently, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino spent the time between the second and third seasons of Jersey Shore meditating and doing crunches at some Buddhist temple in the Himalayas, because he's gone from repugnant douche-hole to zen-like wise man. Or, so he thinks. Last night's episode started with The Sitch saying what we've all been thinking about the Ronnie and Sammi situation (god, I hate that word now) since the day those two hooked up: "Just break the f*ck up." It's only a matter of time before you start finding Sitch quotes in your fortune cookies.

Mike tries to play peacemaker between Ronnie and Sammi (or stir the turd to create some drama for the cameras, and set the stage for banging Sammi, depending on your outlook) by asking Sam about the relationship and her feelings regarding Ron. Fortunately, Ronnie's not as dumb as he looks (Because, seriously, he looks like he'd be really dumb, doesn't he?) and he sees through Mike's "sensitive friend" routine. "Mike plays both courts...The second I turn my back, you're all about girl code, b!tch." Nah, dude. Girl code is being nice to a chick's face and then talking sh!t about her shoes when she leaves the room. Guy code is trying to get it in whenever possible, even if your friend has already been there. Mike is definitely practicing guy code.

Sam is the one practicing girl code. Now that she's alone, she pretends to be friends with Deena and decides to make Ron (who she's not even with) jealous by skanking it up on the boardwalk with guys wearing backpacks, but no shirts. While she's hanging out with ex-Congressman Chris Lee, though, Ron is is planning his confrontation with Mike, which I was hoping would result in the first guy-on-guy throwdown in Jersey Shore history. No such luck. "If any of us says something wrong, there could be a fight. So I decided to man up and take the high road," The Sitch says. Christ, I think I liked Mike more when he was an open a-hole last season, as opposed to now when he tries to hide his douchiness behind bullsh!t moralizing. Yet again, the guys on this show prove that they're the sensitive flowers in the house. Mike admits he's wrong and apologizes, but it's an obvious ploy to avoid getting the sh!t kicked out of him by Ron. Hopefully, these two will spend some time apart soon. It's no good for anyone when their menstrual cycles are all synced-up like this.

We find out that JWoww's middle-aged roid case is famous in Seaside taco shops, and then it's right back to Ron and Sam drama. I like the new ballsy Ron, but I have no idea why he continues to indulge Sam's drama queen BS. While they're both getting ready to go out and pretend to be sane and single, they decide to get gussied up in front of the same mirror, and - surprise! - they get in the kind of violent domestic situation that probably had Jerry Springer booking the next flight to Jersey. I've actually known people that tried to breakup and still live together, and, yeah, that's usually how it ends up. While Ron and Sam were reaching for each other's throats, MTV producers were probably running around downstairs hiding all the sharp objects in the house. This thing is going from funny reality show drama to future court case with the quickness.

Finally! The whole Jersey Shore is getting along and getting wasted. The first few minutes of tonight's episode felt like a flashback to season 1, when this was a show about a bunch of random guidos having fun at a C-list vacation spot, not about a bunch of emo millionaires starting dumb feuds with each other and b!itching about their love lives for the entertainment of millions of people with real problems. Don't get me wrong, I love the drama, but it's better when it's settled with a hungover hug the next morning. When it goes on for multiple episodes or even seasons, it starts to feel like the most spray-tanned soap opera in history. So it was good to see things get back to normal tonight. Or at least it was, until someone reminded Sammi that she's a b!tchy Grinch (a binch?) put on Earth to steal all the joy from Seaside Heights, NJ.

"In Miami, Ronnie got sh!tfaced to the point that he was incoherent," says, Sam, expressing her concern over Ron Ron's love of the juice. "I've dranken a lot more than I drank tonight," Ron shoots back, proving that he doesn't need to be drunk to sound retarded. Owned, Sam! Sure enough, Ron gets completely hammered and pukes in a shopping bag, totally ruining the mood for The Situation and his skank of the evening, because the "Situation" pajamas Mike gave her to wear apparently weren't a dealbreaker on their own. I mean, I'm not a girl, but I think if I went home with someone and they gave me pajamas with their dumb nickname across the front in huge letters, it would act as some sort of boner kryptonite. Just sayin'.

Things get real the next morning, as Ron starts sh!tting blood, a problem that I immediately diagnosed as God's punishment for getting back together with Sammi. For some reason, MTV forces us to sit through dude's whole rectal exam, and I'd just like to point out this is the second week in a row we've been forced to hear intimate details about someone's @ss on this show. I appreciate the Shore kids finding new ways to keep it crass, but if we're already at weekly @ss talk in season 3, I'm afraid to see what kind of gross sh!t they'll pull in Italy.

"We have no shame," Snooki says in the next scene like she was reading my friggin' mind. The "ladies" of the Shore go on to have a graphic convo about fingerbangin' themselves, before they pretty much trash the toy section of a pharmacy. Then it's time to hit the same damn club they go to every week, and if that's the type of mood these broads were in while they were out running errands at 2 pm, I couldn't wait to see what the night was gonna bring. Sure enough, the unbelievable happens: Snooki and Deena both hook up. I know, I make fun of them for being walking venereal diseases a lot, but if you watch the show, the gruesome twosome don't really get it in that often. Even better, this is the historic night when Snooki hooks up with Jeff Miranda, the douchey fame whore who would eventually propose to her on the cover of a magazine. Plus, dude has a tongue ring? What is he, a lesbian from the early 90s? Step your game up, Snooks. Turns out he's an even bigger moron than anyone thought, getting all clingy after one date and falling for Pauly D's awesome fake voice mail routine. Wait, was that seriously their whole relationship? Dude proposed in public after one date?! That's taking dickhead-ishness to a new level, even by Jersey standards.

This week's episode of Jersey Shore started with the fallout from last week's JWoww/Tom breakup and I gotta say, I kinda side with Tom on this one. Well, maybe I'm not siding with him so much as thinking Jenni's a friggin' moron for dumping dude in harsh fashion while he was still living in her house, taking care of her dogs. That's just asking for a stolen bed and starving pups. Maybe now she'll add a chapter to her dating advice book on how to get out of an LTR without having half your sh!t end up on eBay.

Anyway, the whole ordeal resulted in a lot of sad, complicated drama, not the kind of fun, retarded drama that we all expect from Jersey Shore. In fact, sad complicated, sh!t was the order of the night in this week's episode. Ugh. I don't watch reality TV for actual reality. Is this the future of Shore?! 

There was a break in the drama provided by the walking venereal disease who could easily take the place of both Deena Nicole and my current girlfriend: Snooki's bff, Ryder, returned and despite looking like an aging biker MILF who's been following the Stones on tour since '78, she apparently just turned 22, and she showed up to the house looking for Snooki to help her turn her liver into a useless orange blob (turn it into Snooki, in other words). Alas, Snooks was nowhere to be found, but Deena was there to help soak up the booze and semen like a skanky, skanky sponge.

Fortunately, Snooks and JWoww returned in time to start drinking (so, around 10 am). The whole house hit the town, and is it just me, or were their nights out in Miami more fun? The whole crew is too well-known in Jersey. I miss the South Beach nights, when not only did fewer people give a sh!t that they were famous, but there was more than one freakin' club to go to. Now, they're the center of attention as soon as they walk in, just because it's the first time a camera crew's been in the club since some dude got stabbed there five years ago.

Just as I was getting bored enough to miss Sarah Palin's Alaska, however, something incredible happened: Ronnie grew a pair of balls. It happened so suddenly you may have missed it, so here's a re-enactment:

Maaaan, why do "society" and "the law" and "hundreds of horrified tourists" always have to get in the way when you're just trying to be a sh!tfaced train wreck in public? Monday's episode of Jersey Shore ended with Snooki being arrested for being Snooki, or for "drunken intoxication in the public," as JWoww called it. Tonight, we got to see Snooks coping with one of the worst mornings after in history, and I say that even though as I write this I still have a faded magic marker penis on my forehead from when I passed out on New Year's Eve.

Tonight's episode started with Jenni calling Snooki's dad to tell her about the arrest and I don't know what's weirder: That JWoww introduces herself on the phone as JWoww, or that Snooki's dad is at all surprised that his daughter got locked-up for being wasted. Apparently, Poughkeepsie doesn't have cable...or internet, or any other way to see the 4 million images of drunken Snooki that seem to surface daily. JWoww not only takes charge of the arrest situation, but pulls the kind of move I would make, and immediately calls her pissed-off boyfriend, hoping that the drama of the Snooki arrest will make him forget about their fight from the night before. It's a brilliant maneuver, but it lets Jenni down this time, as Tom is shockingly unfazed by the fact that society has finally decided to do something about the Snooki problem, and instead chooses to focus on the fact that his girlfriend is a prostitute who forgot their anniversary. Props to J-Wizzle for her half-second transition from enraged Jersey streetwalker to member of polite society when she hung up on Tom to take a call from the cops. "You're a f*ckin' jerk-off! (*click*) Hello? Why, yes..." When Shore is done, maybe she can get a role on Mad Men as one of them classy 60s broads, ya know?

Snooks gets sprung and minutes later (Why does JWoww already have a "Free Snooki" shirt? Sh!t happened like three hours ago!) she calls her dad, who reacts pretty much the way any parent would to news that their kid is a drunken embarrassment to the family, except that in Snooki's case, she's been a drunken embarrassment to the family for friggin' years now! Where does this dude live, in Wasilla with the Palins?! How does he manage to avoid knowledge like that?! Snooks and JWoww have a girl talk session and instead of arriving at the obvious conclusion that Nicole needs to stop drinking, they decide that she just needs to find love. Awww. Snooks says her three addictions are "Bronzer, boys, and alcohol," otherwise known as the "Jersey Trinity." I hope the chick therapy keeps up, but that Snooki continues her drunken munchkin ways. That way, we can watch her f*ck up, then listen to her and JWoww try to figure out why it happened. (Hint: It's always booze!)

After the Snooki drama is (sadly) resolved, it's club time, and Deena decides to tag along with the MVP team. My initial thoughts were that the night would end the way it did when Angelina tried to horn in on the guys, and that at 4 a.m., Deena would find herself holding a $200 check at a Denny's in Hoboken, wondering why all the guys decided to use the bathroom at the same time.  Turns out, not only did Deena fit in with MVP, she even found herself a Ronnie look-a-like to take home. Best part is, Ronnie actually knows the dude, and he also has a girlfriend named Sam! No, actually, the best part was Vinny and Pauly D re-enacting last season's cheating Ronnie drama. Damn, if Jersey Shore kids are making the best Jersey Shore jokes, wtf am I gonna do? I guess I better get ripped and tan quick, so we can trade places.

"I'm mentally f*cked-up right now." Sammi actually said that about herself, and while I was watching last night's episode of Jersey Shore, I swear I heard the sound of the whole world nodding in agreement. Sammi had all last season to act like a crazy b!tch and everyone would've given her a free pass, because she had just found out that her boyfriend was screwing the entire Gulf Coast like his name was BP. Unfortunately, she waited until they were back in Jersey to ruin everyone's good time and now I have no patience for it. The episode started with one of those classic Ronnie/Sammi scenes where she asks him a bunch of questions that there's no right answer, and gets more and more pissed every time he opens his mouth. I don't watch Jersey Shore to re-live past fights with b!tchy ex-girlfriends. I watch it to re-live nights I can't remember...

Fortunately, Snooki exists. "Since I got to the Shore I can't remember the last time I seen Nicole sober. It's been a while," JWoww says of the drunken munchkin. I say, good. A sober Snooki is like a drunk school bus driver: It's just not right. The fact that she's been hitting the bottle this season like her liver did something to piss her off gives me hope for the future of this show. Tonight, we learned that Snooki's nickname for Vinny's wang is Seabiscuit, and man, does she like to ride the horse when she's wasted. "A lot of guys might think I'm crazy for not wanting to," Vin says after shooting Snooks down. There are probably a few guys who think that, Vin, but they're blind, and also hammered.

Snooks moves on fast, though, and after the trauma of getting denied by Vinny for the 4,000th time, she decides to play matchmaker for Deena and The Situation. She proposes a threesome and even though they were on a second story porch, Mike didn't swan dive to his death like I immediately would have. In fact, he seemed into it. Just as it's about to go down though, Snooks slips out of Mike's hands like a greased-up, sh*tfaced hamster. "Snooks sneaks out of the bed and I'm stuck with Deena. That's like having chicken put on the table with salt and pepper, and then they take away the chicken and you're left with salt and pepper," Sitch says. Then he asks Deena if she showered. Dude is totally making up for last season's douchiness by bringing the lol lines this time.

Nicole sneaks into Vin's room, gets shut down yet again, and that's not even the most embarrassing thing that will happen to her this week! Mike stonewalls Deena in similar fashion, and while I know Snooki and Deena are both grenades of the highest order, if these dudes don't stop running away from drunk and willing girls, it's gonna start to look like Brokeback Jersey.

Ronnie and Sammi beef again, we catch a disturbing glimpse of The Situation's hot pink boxer-briefs, and Sammi finally makes peace with the other girls and everyone forgives her for her year-long bout of PMS. Well, everyone except JWoww, who's basically a dragon with fake t!ts - make her mad and you're gonna get burned. The whole crew hits the club and Snooki and Deena get so drunk they "forget they have legs" as The Situation puts it, because he obviously has professional comedy writers working for him this year; some stalker ho throws a drink on Pauly D; there are some serious issues with frozen turkey burgers, and I feel like it's already too much drama for one episode of Shore. Then we get the highlight of the season, maybe the highlight of all TV ever...

The best episodes of Jersey Shore end with those "Oh, snap!" moments that make it so you basically have to tune in next week. For example, last Thursday's season premiere ended with the start of a promising cat fight between JWoww and Sammi. Yes, they've thrown down like a million times before, but this time they were both relatively sober and trying to settle a grudge that dates back to early last season. That's four centuries in guido years. As always, no serious damage was done, but it was a b!tch-slap fest so serious that the guys in the cast had no hope of breaking it up, (not that they really tried) so some big bouncer-y type dudes appeared from off-camera to settle the beef. Have we seen these dudes before? They must be there all the time, suppressing the urge to smother these greasy douche bags in their sleep! I wish I had huge behind-the-scenes dudes waiting to jump out whenever sh!t got real. I would probably get hammered and start fights for the hell of it, too.

Fortunately, in the Jersey Shore house, beefs are what bring people together. JWoww seemed kinda cold toward Deena last week. Makes sense. After all, this drunken meatball was threatening her bff-ship with Snooki. After the fight, however, you'd think these two had been tanning together since kindergarten. Ronnie and Sammi got to bond over the throwdown, too, but for them bonding means breaking each other's balls over dumb sh!t.  I was actually impressed with the way Ron stood up for Sam next week, but apparently Sammi wanted more. "Why don't you just say, 'Snooki I don't like you?'" she asked Ron after somehow avoiding being eaten whole by JWoww yet again. I actually had to go back and watch that part of last week's episode again, just to see what Ron actually said. If disses like, "You're a f*cking loser from Poughkeepsie" and "You're fake," weren't good enough for Sam, there's just no pleasing that b!tch. I smell another miserable-@ss Angelina in the works.

Because Snooki and Deena are basically toddlers who are allowed to buy booze, they use the fight as an excuse to stay up all night and get hammered. "We're like two peas in a pod. We're such a blast," Deena says. Yes, it was funny to see Snooki climb inside her luggage for some reason, but am I the only who's sick of hearing Deena talk about how much fun she and Snooki are? We get it, you're both chubby drunks! Every time she gets in front of the camera she sounds like she's interviewing for a waitress job at Hooters.

Apparently, The Situation has turned over a new leaf since last season. He was barely in the last episode, which is rare. And then he starts his first day back in the house by waking up early and non-hungover, and trying to make peace between the other housemates. "if anybody can help these two crazy individuals, it'd be Sitch," he says. Seems like everyone's going out of their way to piss me off this season. I don't really care for The Sitch acting like he's friggin' Gandhi all the sudden. If you're not gonna get involved in the drama, Mike, at least stay the eff out of the way so the rest of us can enjoy it.

Finally, it's t-shirt time, and after the usual douchiness in front of the mirror, it's time to hit the Seaside clubs. Naturally, it's a different scene from the start of season one, when the Shore kids were just a bunch of fake-tanned nobodies with a camera crew. Now they're super famous and back in Jersey where there ain't a lot of famous folks outside of a Springsteen show or a Nets game. So of course, there are stalkers, girls making out for the camera, etc. But somehow they only come home with one chick! The answer - greasy threesome. Or greasome, as I call it. But before the grossness can begin, Vinny basically pulls a a Situation and cuts The Situation out of the situation. Or something like that. Despite standing outside the locked hook-up room begging to be let in for a piece of a girl who's a solid 7 at best, Mike still chooses a peanut butter and jelly sandwich over a drunk and ready Deena. Obviously, this chick gave up the last of her self-esteem a long time ago, but losing out to a pb & j has gotta be rough even for her.

The holidays are over, there's about 18 feet of snow on the ground where I live, and I'm pretty sure those birds dropping out of the sky are the first sign of the end of the world. I didn't think anything could snap me out of my winter blahs until I saw Snooki shoving a giant stuffed alligator into her trunk while wearing 4-inch heeled hooker boots. That's when I realized: Not only is Jersey Shore back, but it's back with a new greasy orange ball of guido trashiness who threatens to spread a wave of venereal disease along the New Jersey coastline that will make the Gulf oil spill look like a day at the beach. In other words, Deena Nicole Cortese is the second sign of the apocalypse.

"Deena is like another Snooki. She loves to party; she loves to be loud and obnoxious, she doesn't give a f*ck about what anyone thinks. Hello, that's me." That's right Deena is like Snooki, only more so. She's sluttier, stupider, and you'd have to be twice as drunk to consider having sex with her (so, you'd have to be comatose). Obviously, the producers of Jersey Shore were concerned there would be a lack of drama without Angelina on the show this season, so they went into a lab and created the worst Franken-skank monster the world has seen since Anna Nicole Smith.

Before Deena can get her insane on, though, we get to catch up with the rest of the roommates: JWoww's having Tom problems. No big surprise there, since he's currently suing her. Pauly D's mom lives in the most ghetto apartment in Rhode Island, for some reason. The Situation is still a douche (I bet he pretends he's talking to the Jersey Shore confessional camera in the mirror every morning). Vinny's keeping up his reputation as the house nerd by being all worried about his shampoo. And, of course, Ronnie and Sammi are up to some bullsh!t so boring that Snooki looked she forgot they exist for a second.

Before she and Snickers even get to the Shore, Deena's skanky-sense is already tingling at the mention of Ronnie's faux-hawk. "You never know what'll happen when you put a little cherry vodka into Deena Nicole," she says. Holy jeez. Either she was made for this show, or this chick is one hell of an actress. 

Ronnie and Sammi are the first to arrive in the house, probably because they were sick of sitting at home watching paint dry and occasionally swearing at each other. "I can smell the fake tans and hair gel already," Ronnie says when they pull up. I'm pretty sure you're just smelling yourself, Ron, but good line, anyway. On the drive, Sammi said something about hoping JWoww has implant cancer or some sh!t, so who do ya think was next to walk in the door?