Rachel Uchitel has slept around, but she wants us to think that she's innocent when it comes to Tiger Woods. Rachel says, "I told the [National] Enquirer and Star that it wasn't true. I told them not only did I have information to disprove the story, but I offered to take a lie-detector test."

Rachel then went on to explain who the National Enquirer's two "sources" are, claiming that one of them is "a f*cking hooker and wants money." I kind of like this chick.

Rachel said that the story's first "source" was invited to take a trip to Europe with Rachel but the trip ended "after a day" when her new friend fell down the stairs at a restaurant because she was so drunk. Rachel claims that it was "so embarrassing" to associate herself with said ho and it was "a total nightmare."

Rachel adds, "The whole thing's a lie. Tiger never told me he loved me. They said they overheard him saying he loved me. It's just stupid. I've never texted or talked to him on the phone...."

As if we're supposed to believe Rachel?

Awwww. The art of being vague. When one leaves many gaps in a statement, the other party often walks away more confused than before. It's a beautiful thing.

From the days of having my parents ask me if I'm smoking or doing bad things, non-Christian things, whatever, and looking them dead in the eye and denying it, I think I could pull off some stunts and deny deny deny whatever it was I did, and with such Carrie Prejean-like conviction, that you'd think I was a saint.

On to Tiger Woods and his carefully worded statement posted on his website on Sunday:

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

Sounds like Tiger is a sacrificial pussy-whipped idiot who's trying to avoid another beatdown from his "courageous" wife, Elin. What a dork.

Tiger Woods Swedish wife Elin Nordegren is a crazy b*tch who needs to be charged for domestic violence.

Elin allegedly lost her shiz over rumors that Tiger Woods was sexting and sexing Rachel Uchitel.

Tiger said that Erin confronted him about Rachel and an argument ensued. Erin then scratched his face up.

It was then Woods beat a hasty retreat for his SUV. Woods says his wife followed behind with a golf club. As Tiger drove away, she struck the vehicle several times with the club.

You all know the story by now. Tiger's SUV crashed into a fire hydrant and then hit a tree. Elin will forever look like a crazy a*s bitch now and I'm glad. She sucks!

If Tiger Woods' mistress, Rachel Uchitel, ended up looking anything like the ho who brought Steve Phillips down, I would suspect that he, too, has a sex addiction.

However, Rachel doesn't look like she needs protection from the Save the Whales Foundation whenever she goes for a swim at the beach.

Rachel Uchitel has a long face and she looks manly, but she has the body to make up for it. Check out these pictures of the socialite homewrecker and decide for yourself. Was it worth it for Tiger?

The National Enquirer wishes Tiger Woods and his family a Happy Thanksgiving and a prosperous new year. 

The best golfer in history began having an affair with Rachel Uchitel, 34, in June. Tiger and Rachel even slept together as recently as this month, allegedly.

Rachel is a socialite who already slept with David Boreanz, the lead actor on Fox's Bones, and now she's got herself caught up in an affair with Tiger Woods. Rachel reportedly told her friend that they're in love. Well, Tiger and Rachel do engage in excessive "sexting," which means this is meant to be!

Multiple sources, who passed polygraph tests, say Rachel told them that she and Tiger also stay in touch during his frequent travels through phone calls  and "sexting," sending each other racy text messages on their cell phones.

Rachel has told her friend that she doesn't care about his wife because they're in love. Her nickname in her cellphone for the married golfer is also "Bear."

Rachel traveled to Australia to meet with Tiger while he played earlier this month in the Australian Masters, both sources said.  She also said she was not in Tiger's hotel. But an Enquirer reporter eye witnessed her IN the hotel.

Rachel was also spotted going to the 35th floor of the Crown Towers hotel where Tiger was staying. The Enquirer says they have more dirt on Rachel that they plan to expose. I bet they do.

I've got a new-found love for Tiger Woods, and it's not because he's loaded with cash. It's because he's loaded with gas and let one rip at the Buick Open on the 18th hole.

Tiger Woods Fart

Tiger and his caddy are seen laughing after a wet fart makes its way out at the golf tournament. There's a good chance it wasn't Tiger but if you watch how he's moving his leg around in the very beginning of the video, it's like he's trying to clinch is butt cheeks to keep one from coming out. CBS is denying it was Tiger who farted, but how would they know? Was it one of their own sound guys that let it loose? Either way, it's funny sh*t.

That pooter would be worth 50 yards in a game of fart football, but if it had good stench, it's totally a touchdown.

Tiger Woods' wife Elin gave birth to a baby girl Sam Alexis Woods early Monday morning less than 24 hours after Tiger captured 2nd place in the U.S. Open

In other baby news Keri Russell & her husband Shane Deary welcomed their baby boy, River Russell Deary on June 9th. I wonder if he came out a curly top like his momma.

I'm sure we'll be seeing layouts in People or OK! magazine in the next couple months.  Even if you have millions you can always make a little more by selling your baby to the magz.

source, source