Tom Brady
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Tom Brady gets me so hot and bothered to the point where I don't like watching Patriots' games because I'm angry that he's fully clothed and wearing a helmet. He should at least be shirtless on the field for f*ck's sake!

Anyway, Tom Brady says some self-righteous crap in the September issue of Details magazine. He dumped his fiance and baby mama for Gisele Bundchen, who is now his wifey and future baby mama. Naturally he's gonna wanna sound innocent. Tom said,

"Life is not living in the suburbs with a white picket fence. That's not life, Somehow our American culture has made it out that that's what life needs to be – and that if it's not that, it's all screwed up. It's not. You go through life and you try the best you can."

Me thinks that trying the best you can is waiting until your fiance pops out her baby and then dumping her, but I don't know how things work when you're a male slut. Regardless, his relationship habits are irrelevant. Tom could hump me and dump me anytime he wants to, before or after he knocks me up.

Ms. Bundchen has a bun in the oven.

Gisele has said that Tom Brady's son John Moynahan, with ex-fiance Bridget Moynahan, is her baby. Well now Ms. Bundchen will have two kids. Gisele was recently spotted sporting a baby bump earlier this week and sources have confirmed the pregnancy news.

Gisele Bundchen is a homewrecking b*tch who felt intimidated by Tom's bond with his baby mama so she's gonna be a mother now too. On the bright side, this baby has some of the best genes in thee world. Can't wait 'til he or she gets here.

Tom Brady was kayaking in Brookline Massachusetts' Charles River a few weeks ago when he fell into the water.

Tom Brady was with his wifey Gisele Bundchen and a friend at the time. Gisele's bony a*s couldn't save him of course, and there's no word on what was up with the friend. Luckily a  female school teacher saved the day.

Robin Leads rescued Tom's sexy a*s and said,

"We were tying up our boat to a buoy and the boat boy came over and said 'You are never going to guess who is on the Charles renting kayaks right now' and he said 'Do you want to go check it out.' I said 'yeah,' "

But when the pair got close to Brady and Bundchen, they realized the quarterback had fallen in the river. Leed helped Brady into her motor boat.

"I actually asked him why he fell in. He said he was racing one of his friends. It was Tom, Gisele and his friend...so he was racing his friend,"

Afterwards, Leeds asked for a photo with Brady, who replied, "Of course! You saved my life."

Leeds adds that Brady was "really friendly, really appreciative that we fished him out of the Charles. We talked about how beautiful the weather it was," Leeds says.

Awww.

Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen were spotted heading to Gisele's hometown of Brazil for some honeymoon fucking. Have fun, kids!

Here's the first picture of Gisele Bundchen in her Dolce & Gabana wedding gown, a glimpse at Tom's ring and homewrecker Gisele holding his son John Monahan.

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Gisele Bündchen says she and Tom Brady aren't engaged.

"I don't know how people are so creative. First [TMZ] said he proposed to me in a plane. Imagine, it was Dec. 24, Christmas, we were flying to Boston, then there was some champagne and we celebrated the date.

"Ready? Someone deduced I was getting engaged! I received more than 100 e-mails from friends commenting about the proposal. Now there's a new rumor [in People magazine], that he proposed to me on last Friday [sic]. I wasn't even there, how can that be true?"

She also denied the People report that they plan to wed in Costa Rica.

"This talk of Costa Rica must be for the fact I have a house there," she said.

This is a nightmare for staff at People magazine. Forget TMZ, they're allowed to be inaccurate at times but People is supposed to hold higher standards. And how annoying! You're trying to have a beautiful fuckship with yo man and website after website announces that you're tying the knot. No wonder there's couples like Beyonce and Jay-Z out there that deny everything. I don't blame 'em.

Us Weekly via The Boston Herald

Whew! I was getting skurred, because this is not the way things should go down with Thomas and Gisele. First, Tom must knock up Gisele in what seems to be a common practice modern day matrimony pre-requisite - just like he did when he dumped his pregnant ex-fiance, Bridget Moynahan. Next, Gisele will birth four kids instead of one. I'm sure three of them would be gorgeous and one of them would be fug. I would then go on to tease the fug one relentlessly just like I did with Suri Cruise, because it's all for good luck. Look at how adorable Suri is now? Insults can prompt positive changes. I know this because Suri will be thanking me later, and so will Tom and Gisele (after they split), and Bridget will live happily ever after.

People

Gisele Bundchen is reportedly planning her wedding to New England hottie Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. The couple will not have a long engagement, only a small wedding ceremony in Costa Rica or Brazil.

"[She is] making secret, low-key wedding plans with boyfriend of two years Tom Brady," a source, who claims the couple want to keep it their nups a low-key affair, tells In Touch Weekly. ""There will be no engagement. Just a small wedding in mid-March," the insider alleges.

Homewrecker Gisele, 28, and Tom, 31, have been dating since late 2006.

Well, I hate homewrecker skanks so I hope they split. But only after they have some babies first. These two are working with some damn good genes.

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John Moynahan is pictured here with his mother Bridget. The baby is gorgeous! I just want to pinch John's cheeks and kiss his forehead. Uh, am I being too graphic? Ha. This site is not safe for babies.

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This story has made me very happy. I'm already so excited. Please God, give me something new to jack to. Something new and sexy as hell - Tom Brady, please!

At a Chinese restaurant named Philippe, on East 60th Street, plenty of A-listers show up to grub. But what the patrons don't know is there's hidden security cameras in the private wine cellar. That's where some celebs hang out and/or have sex all the while cameras are a rollin'.

An insider says,

"They've watched tape of Diddy and Sienna Miller hanging out and Tom Brady and Gisele [Bundchen] hooking up. They get a kick out of it, they laugh and comment on people. Only a small circle of staffers there [knows] what's going on." A rep for Philippe confirmed there are cameras in the private rooms, especially where expensive wine is stored, "for security purposes."

The Philippe rep says, hold on, sluts, not so fast!

"All tapes are deleted. It is completely and utterly false that anyone has access to view the videos at Philippe, which are maintained off-site at our corporate headquarters," said flack Ronn Torossian. "The privacy of our clientele is our foremost concern. . . . Any statement saying to the contrary is utterly and completely false." Bundchen's rep had no comment and Brady's rep did not return an e-mail.

Screw all y'all! I'm hoping the footage isn't deleted. Do it for the kids. I'm hoping for a leak.

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