Amber Portwood: “Afraid of Going to Jail,” “Shoved Against Wall” by Gary Shirley

You wouldn’t expect much interesting information to come out of an interview with Amber Portwood‘s cousin. Usually interviews with celebs’ family members just result in a lot of quotes about how so-and-so is totally a good person despite what everyone thinks. However, Teen Mom plumbs the depths of Midwestern white trashiness, so the sh!tkicking rednecks who crawl out from under the local Wal-Mart to talk to the press are a new breed of dumb @ss, willing to say anything for a 6-pack of Red Dog tall boys and a pack of Newports.

Take, for example, Amber Portwood’s cousin Krystal, a woman who, we’ll just assume from her name, is a stripper. Krystal has appeared on Teen Mom in the past, and she gave an interview to Radar Online today that was far from just the usual “she’s totally a good mom y’all,” BS.

Amber Portwood Skirt

First, she says Amber is preparing herself for the possibility of prison as a result of the domestic violence charges against her. “She’s not taking it well…she’s worried about what’s going to happen.” I wouldn’t be worried. We’ve seen her throw a punch; she’ll be fine in jail.

Krystal really drops a bombshell, though, when she claims to have witnessed several episodes in which baby daddy Gary Shirley got violent with Amber. “I remember when he shoved her against the wall,” Krystal said. “And one time he went over to a friend’s house because Amber was over there and (their friend) Jessica pushed him over the balcony because he laid his hands on Amber.”

Aw, man. All 800 pounds of Gary Shirley got pushed off a balcony and we didn’t get to see it? Where were the MTV cameras for that one? What’s the point of domestic violence if you can’t get a good laugh out of it?