* This is a day late, which happens when you write a recap that gets deleted. I pushed a re-write back a day instead of throwing my laptop out the window.
This week’s episode begins with super gay, super fabulous Lawrence, Sheree Whitfield’s hairdresser, showing up at the recording studio to meet with Kandi Burruss. Kandi wants Lawrence to be “the next Ru Paul.” Lawrence says that he’ll work hard for it because he’s got “some real grown lady bills.”
We then see Bryce playing pool downstairs as his mom Nene Leakes says that it is the 30th day of her Bryce-must-get-the-f*ck-out-in-90-days cause “When you out, you iz out!” plan. Bryce says that he wants Nene to hook him up with a club owner because he wants to do club promotion. I don’t see how that gig would work for Bryson.
Bryce is painfully unattractive, really tall, fat. I don’t wanna go to any club that he’s representing. Kind of like how the chick I saw Downtown on Saturday night was wearing a silver bra and some black and pink stripped panties that didn’t cover up the gut she was rocking. She was freezing her nipples off but she wasn’t bringing the sex appeal. Natives and tourists alike stared at her and no one wanted to even take her fliers. I’ve seen a glimpse of Bryson’s future. It’s not pretty.
Cynthia Bailey’s baby daddy also makes an appearance cause reality TV is great for has been actors, which is exactly what he is. Cynthia says, “We created this amazing love child together” and I love her for saying that. How many people are like, “Praise God for my bastard child!” Two snaps.
The mush comes to a screeching halt, literally, as we’re tortured with Kim Zolciak’s croaking in the studio with Kandi. Kim complains that the song is too high, she needs curtains to surround her microphone, she needs to change up lyrics, and she also has a lisp. Kandi tells Kim,“To be honest with you, you do have an ear problem, a pitch problem. You need some vocal lessons.” If Kandi wanted to be honest with herself, she’d drop Kim because she’s wasting everyone’s time, energy and money.
But as we all know, this season is all about attorney and convict f*cker Phaedra Parks. She delivers like Dominoes. She always gives many “Oh no she didn’t!” moments every week.
Phaedra meets up with former Destiny’s Child singer LaTavia and LaTavia is sh*t talking Destiny’s Child on TV. Uh oh! LaTavia can expect a notice from a law office any day now because Beyonce has paid those hater b!tches she sings about in “Survivor” to STFU or else. It’s shocking to see LaTavia talking about how she “was told from somebody in the group that [she doesn’t] do enough in the group to have an opinion.” Well whoever said that is right, considering that her ass isn’t in the group anymore. NEXT!
Apollo Nida’s husband wife wants to help LaTavia with her comeback. Phaedra encourages her, saying, “I got the Midas touch, so let me touch you and turn you to gold, girl.” I really like Phaedra when she’s not sounding prejudiced or vowing to abuse her child. There’s no need for Phaedra to be such a hater. Who does she think she is, a gossip blogger?
Kim is like Phaedra, she must remind us that she supposedly has money, so Kim tells us that she spends “$800 a month, that’s like $10,000 a year” on storage units filled with her crap. Wiggy Kimmy looks through her junk and sees mirror after mirror. Her explanation? “I don’t think you can have enough mirrors ever. My hair can change every two feet or something, you know? I need to be able to look in the mirror.”
Kim throws a yard sale and her Dad is there, offering to sell her Louis Vuitton shoes for $5 and Kimmy hilariously starts stressin’ out. That problem would be eliminated if Kim actually tried to sell items herself, but “effort” and “Kim” don’t go together like “talent” and another Kim, “Ms. Kardashian,” create an obnoxious oxymoron if used in the same sentence.
Phaedra determines that Wiggy Kimmy must be broke, saying, “Who has an estate sale in the middle of a burger joint parking lot, haggling people unless she needs money.” Phaedra should know all about what people resort to when they don’t have money. Stealing is what landed her husband in jail.
Phaedra also wants to keep the birth of her child classy, saying, “I can not be screaming like a wolf and pooping on no tables.” Nene takes offense, saying that giving birth is beautiful. Uh, not really. It actually sounds really gross to me too.
Mrs. Parks says her labor will be induced when she’s only 7 months along and that her hubby was born when he was 6 months along and he weighed a healthy 9 lbs. at birth. I need to give no comment here. Phaedra is a liar just like many of the people she defends probably are. Nene thinks that Apollo is not the father, and it’s not like it matters anyway, Apollo is with Phaedra because she’s a suga mama.
Phaedra didn’t enjoy that Kim Zolciak, mother of two children and licensed nurse, along with Nene, also a mother of two, had questions. “The ladies are grilling me about my due date but I’m like why do you care, but I understand no one has a job but me, so I realize they need to fill up their spare time.”
It looks like Sheree’s poser “Dr. Tiy-e Muhammad” is out. And Nene introduces Cynthia’s husband Peter to her son Bryce. This is suspect because Nene claimed that she and Cynthia have been friends for years. And Cynthia’s man had never met her son before? Yeah. We’ve uncovered this fakery like BAM!
Things get ugly fast when a drunk Nene gets in Gregg’s face and shouts at him. Nene confesses to Cynthia that Gregg spends all his time downstairs, they don’t sleep in the same room, and she thinks he may have cheated. Nene announces, “I’m going to divorce Gregg, now where the f*ck is my drink at?!” LOVE this woman, if only that were the last time we’d hear about Nene’s failing marriage. I’d also like to know where the f*ck my drink is at while I watch this show. Next episode I’ll be ready… And for anyone wondering, Kim made $10,350 at her garage sale because her dad “had no clue of how expensive” her designer stuff is worth.