When you’re fabulously wealth, every day is a celebration, so why not throw a huge party every freakin’ day? And if you can pretend the party is actually an act of charity for a soon-to-be-broke friend, all the better! Despite having just hosted a lavish extravaganza for her daughter’s birthday on last week’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City, Ramona Singer is planning another bash this week to celebrate her own birthday. Being the fame whore PR wizard that she is, however, Ramona is telling people that the party is also a birthday celebration for her struggling drinking buddy, Sonja Morgan. So now, even if people don’t care about celebrating Ramona’s 50th year of guzzling pinot grigio (She started when she was five. True Story.) they still have to attend and bring two gifts out of respect for the nearly-homeless Sonja. Brilliant!
Speaking of people who make me sad, Cindy Barshop hosts a party (See? That’s all these rich b!tches do!) to promote some kind of pube-removing product and Aussie douche lord Simon van Kempen takes the opportunity to confront Jill Zarin about some long-forgotten beef. He invites married woman Jill out to lunch to discuss their issues and while that might be normal in the land of crocs and kangaroos, it’s considered weird in this part of the world, so Jill shoots him down. Then, Simon puts his probably gay foot in his probably gay mouth and tells Jill to “watch out.” Oh, snap. If this were Jersey, he would’ve gotten his @ss kicked, but because it’s NYC, Simon finishes his champagne and leaves the party threatening to “mean-Tweet” his wife’s friends. Really? I officially hate this dude.
Meanwhile, Sonja tries to set up an amateur porn scene by calling a plumber and working the phrase “my divorce” into every sentence while he pulls her Blackberry out of the toilet. Sadly, he leaves without showing her his plumber’s snake, and she’s stuck with a female feng shui expert who seems to have no interest in her advances. Feng shui expert? Flushing her Blackberry in a desperate attempt to get laid? It’s good to see she’s got her priorities straight in the face of bankruptcy and a multi-million dollar lawsuit.
Then it’s back to the ladies hatin’ on Simon, who deserves every ounce of the Haterade. Apparently, he’s been “mean-Tweeting” the ladies for a while – and Jill in particular – in an attempt to further his career as…a mean-Tweeter? I’m not really sure what he stands to gain with his anti-Jill campaign, but it makes sense that it’s part of an effort to make a name for himself on the Internet, and that he hopes his new found ce-web-rity (I just made that up; don’t steal it) will translate into some cash. One would think he’s playing a dangerous game, since his obvious cash grab could cost him his relationship with his wife, but Alex is 100% dick-whipped, so she seems to be cool with it.
Then it’s finally time for Ramona’s (and Sonja’s) big birthday bash. As usual, Ramona nearly ruins the night with her psycho, drunken control freak ways, but it actually turns into a pretty touching tribute to someone who sorely needed a nice gesture. But then Simon shows up in one of his weird, leather-and-zippers Morpheus from The Matrix get-ups and threatens to turn the whole thing to sh!t. Fortunately, Alex manages to keep a leash on him and not only does Ramona host a nice night for, she also manages to make up with Jill. Maybe she’s human after all!
It’s not until the next day that Simon manages to further f*ck things up, when Kelly meets with Alex to discuss Simon’s mean-Tweets. “Tweet about someone famous,” Kelly pleads, with a brief glimpse at the camera crew. Ironically, it was Kelly’s plea for privacy that made me realize how ridiculous she and some of the other ladies are being. Yes, Simon is a fame-hungry d-bag, but what the hell kind of people did you expect to attract when you signed-on to do a Bravo reality show? Hopefully, the rumors about Alex and Simon getting fired after this season are true. I can’t stand anymore of Simon’s douchiness, or the rest of the cast feeling sorry for themselves about Simon’s douchiness.