Lately, the off-camera lives of the Jersey Shore cast have been far more dramatic than anything that happens on the show, but because it mainly exists to squeeze every cent possible out of played-out ideas (Beavis & Butthead? Punk’d? Really?) MTV still rounded up the guidos to discuss the televisual Ambien that was season five. Host Amy Paffrath was apparently unaware that most people tuning into the reunion special actually watch Shore on a regular basis so she referred to season five as “the craziest yet.” Amy, the only crazy thing is that this show got picked up for a sixth season.
Paffrath kicked off the clip fest by reminding us that the Shore kids “picked up right where they left off” in Seaside, which was a huge part of the problem. “It felt good to fall down and pee in bushes,” said Snooki, and then the guys talked about how much they missed their GTL sessions in Italy for the 5 millionth time. Then, (Finally!) things got interesting when The Situation and Snooki (or Cokey and Preggo, as I call them) were pulled aside to discuss their still-unresolved cheating scandal.
“If I was that horny, I would go in my room and masturbate,” says Snooks about the prospect of sex with The Sitch. Mike and Nicole engaged in their usual he said/she said routine, and the whole thing remained unsettled, eventually leading Ronnie to echo the sentiments of the audience by screaming, “Who the f*ck cares?!” Snooki actually offered an interesting defense by claiming that Mike likes to stir up drama but doesn’t want to be hated, so he chose to start sh!t with the roommate he thought was most likely to forgive. Good theory, but I still think she banged him.
Clips of Mike’s drunken emotional outburst have an added poignancy now that he’s admitted to a substance abuse problem, but a montage of The Sitch’s douchiest season five moments made it really difficult to feel bad for the dude. “You’re worried about being the good guy or being the bad guy…Just be yourself,” Snooki said to him, unwittingly hitting on one of the major problems with Shore. At this point, everyone has settled into their respective roles (JWoww‘s the mom; Snooki’s the drunk; Pauly and Deena are comic relief) and as a result, it’s slowly become one of the most predictable shows on TV. And it looks like it’s not just the audience that’s fed up with it…
Tired of being attacked by all seven of his roommates, Mike stormed off set only to be coaxed into coming back by JWoww in a scene that seemed super fake, even by Jersey Shore standards. Mike came back, apologized, and actually made a decent attempt at making peace with his roommates, which could ruin the last source of drama left on the show. Sadly, after that the remainder of the season 5 reunion show was as much of a snooze-fest as season 5, itself.
There were the usual jokes about Pauly and Vinny’s weirdly close relationship, and an overlong rehash of the season’s lame pranks. Things looked like they might get interesting for a moment when JWoww came out to talk about her love life, but it turns out guidettes in relationships are just as boring as regular people in relationships. There was one surprise in the form of Ronnie and Sammi revealing that they’re no longer together, but even that was sorta lame, as it was apparently a mutual separation that they’ll probably quietly rekindle next time they’re under the same roof.
So that’s it. All the loose ends are wrapped up, the questions are answered, and we hopefully won’t have to hear anymore about Snooki’s urinary tract infection. Here’s hoping for a return to form in season six.