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Lady Gaga: “Hand Jobs Are Better With Manicures”

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I always imagined sex with Lady Gaga to be a surreal, terrifying experience, not unlike that scene with the gimp in Pulp Fiction and now, my worst fears have been confirmed.

Lady Gaga outside

The Gaga apparently writes a regular column for V magazine in which she offers women of the world her advice on fashion (HA!) and, apparently, sex acts that are usually favored only by that band geek chick you dated junior year of high school. This week, Stefani shared with us a list of reasons why manicures are underrated. Number two on the list? “You’ll be ready for sex, or to put a penis in your hand.”

First of all, if you needed a manicure in order to put a penis in your hand, every Korean salon in America would be overrun with teenage boys. Second, WTF? Ladies, if you regularly find yourself unprepared to grip a dick the problem is not with your nails. If you work in a coal mine or something, yes, you may wanna scrub up pre-HJ, but otherwise just go with it. The question in your guy’s mind will not be, “What’s up with her nails?” rather, it’ll be more along the lines of, “Am I seriously a grown man getting a hand job right now?”

(Photo: Pacific Coast News)

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Adele Replaces Lady Gaga As “Top Gay Icon”

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Oh no she didn’t. First Adele stole the show at the 2012 Grammys without even bedazzling her face or hatching from an egg, now it seems she’s one-upped Lady Gaga once again by taking her place as the entertainment world’s Queen of the gay scene.

Adele Brit Awards ImageLady Gaga's glasses

So says the result of a poll conducted by a gay satellite radio station called (of course) Gaydar. Adele won in a landslide, scoring 55% of the vote. Her closest competition? Gaga, with a paltry 10%. The gays have spoken, and it seems that Adele is a full five times more fabulous than Gaga.

Of course, it’s just an informal radio station poll, but it’s hard to imagine Gaga isn’t just a little bit irked by these results. With the amount of attention she’s brought to LGBT causes, you’d think she would’ve at least been close to retaining her title. This defeat comes on the heels of Gaga being surpassed by Rihanna as the most “liked” person on Facebook.

If these trends continue, an impoverished Gaga may soon be forced to live on a diet of her own meat dresses.

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President Obama: “Kanye West Is a Talented Jackass”

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President Obama isn’t shy about expressing his pop-culture opinions (dude seriously loves The Wire), even if it means putting one of the entertainment world’s biggest d-bags in his place.

Barack Obama Speech PhotoKanye West Mad Photo

Asked recently if he prefers Kanye West or Jay-Z, the Pres responded that he’s a Jigga man without missing a beat. Makes sense – Jay is like the Obama of hip-hop: laid back, brilliant, incredibly successful. But at the end of the day, Barry is a politician, so he took the time to pat Kanye on the back, so as to prevent any crying or barrages of all-caps hate-tweets.

“I like Kanye,” said Obama. “He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented.” The interviewer then reminded the President that he once called Kanye a jackass…and the man stood his ground. “He is a jackass,” Obama replied. “But he’s talented.”

See how he handled that, America? That’s why we need this guy around for four more years. Can you imagine the blindingly white fashion in which Mitt Romney would respond to these questions? “Well, I imagine they’re both talented rappists, but Kenya and Jeezy are not what makes this country great…what’s that? They’re both super rich? Well, maybe these hippity-hoppity fellows aren’t so bad, after all.”

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Jennifer Lopez Buys Casper Smart a Truck For His Birthday

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Casper Smart turned 25 on Friday and it seems his 42 year-old sugar mama, Jennifer Lopez, was more excited about the occasion than he was.

Casper Smart and Jennifer Lopez: Birthday Dinner Photo

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY BEAR!!!” J-Lo tweeted Friday morning before surprising Casper with a customized Dodge Ram pickup. Of course, Casper has nothing to haul aside from maybe piles of Jen’s money, but he’s said to have mentioned weeks earlier that he always wanted a truck, and whatever J-Lo’s man wants, he apparently gets.

The surprise gift reportedly went over even better than J-Lo thought. A source says, “Casper was so excited about his new truck that he decided to drive it to dinner,” adding that Jen spent the evening “smiling about Casper’s excitement.” Well, Christmas was months ago, after all; she probably forgot how excited kids get about presents. I wonder if she told him the Easter Bunny brought it.

(Photo: WENN)

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Casper Smart: Shirtless and Blindfolded In New Jennifer Lopez Video

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Many have wondered what Jennifer Lopez was thinking when she decided to get serious with 24 year-old backup dancer Casper Smart. But it looks as though in her latest music video J-Lo is finally cluing us into the answer: she was blindfolded!

Casper Smart and Jennifer Lopex: Blindfold PhotoJennifer Lopez and Casper Smart: Shirtless, Blindfolded Photo

That’s Jen and Cas in promotional shots for her new video, Dance Again. In case the blindfold imagery was too subtle for ya, the words “love is blind” are written on the fabric. Blind to what? Casper’s bank account? His “special needs” face? The thousands of tabloid headlines calling Jen a moron for being taken in by a male gold-digger? Either way, we’re guessing Jen held on to the prop for personal use after the shoot was done.

The video will premiere during Thursday’s episode of American Idol, a show that now employs both Jen and Casper, because Jen is just that powerful. It’s gonna suck for Casper when he eventually finds himself dumped, unemployed, and back on the Z-list all on the same day.

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Justin Bieber: Lil Wayne Helps With Recording, Skateboarding Skills

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A lot people (myself, more than most) make fun of Justin Bieber for being a spindly lesbian disguised as a 17 year-old boy, but the Biebs hangs with some of the hardest dudes in the music industry, so the joke’s really on us. At all times, he’s one phone call away from having us killed.

Justin Bieber and Lil Wayne Photo

Justin is currently working on his next album, Believe, which will come out later this year. The record seems to be taking up most of Justin’s time lately, but yesterday, he took a break to get his Weezy on, and fortunately for us, he tweeted the results.

“Good time in the studio last night. back at it tonight. oh yeah…and big bro came thru,” Justin posted, along with the above pic of Weezy and the Biebs. He added, “and when i say big bro i mean @LilTunechi . #BELIEVE IT #family.” Wow. See that’s how being famous works. Justin Bieber gets to publicly claim that he’s Lil Wayne‘s brother, and he doesn’t get shot for it.

Justin has been tight-lipped with details of the recording process, but he did reveal that Wayne wasn’t the only big name to pay him a visit recently. “in the studio with @timbaland and the crew. #creating… got a lot of things i want to write about. ready to make music,” he tweeted. Lil Wayne and Timbaland on the same album? Sounds like the Biebs is trying to move past the tweenage girl crowd and onto a more mature audience.

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Megan Fox Looks Miserable

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Naturally I’d love to hint that Megan Fox is looking pissed, which means that she and Brian Austin Green will get divorced, but I won’t go there. Brian Austin Green is her Messiah. Megan will hold on at all costs.

Megan Fox divorce

Megan and B.A.G. were spotted shopping in Los Angeles on Friday. Megan stuck to her typical disguise: a baseball cap, a T-shirt and some sweats. In an interview she said that she doesn’t like to wear makeup. We see that that’s true, but it’s so easy to spot Ms. Fox. She’s thin, always wears her hair down and she’s constantly in a baseball cap.

Brian’s talking to his mistress on the phone in code. Sorry, couldn’t help it. These two are getting divorced.

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green splitMegan Fox casualMegan Fox disguiseMegan Fox sweats

Megan Fox dressed downMegan Fox in Los AngelesMegan Fox without makeup

Photos: Pacific Coast News

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New Hampshire Primary: Mitt Romney Declares Victory Again

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Chalk up another victory for Mormon Mitt. Former Massachusetts governor and possible android Mitt Romney is one step closer to becoming the Republican nominee for the 2012 presidential election after winning Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary.

Mitt Romney Evil Photo

With 80% of the vote counted, Romney led opponents with nearly 40% of the tally, and declared victory with a swag usually reserved for battle rappers and Super Bowl MVPs. “We will make 2012 the year Obama runs out of time,” Romney told an ecstatic crowd of J. Crewed white people at his post-election celebration. He stopped just short of dropping the mic and declaring that he’s going to Disney World.

Romney finished well ahead of Libertarian Republican rival Ron Paul who made another strong showing with 22.9% of the vote and who will likely run as an independent when he eventually loses the nomination to Romney. Going into the South Carolina primary, scheduled for January 21, Romney remains a virtual shoo-in after taking the first two contests of the season. At this point, it seems only a gay sex scandal in which we find out Romney was a power bottom known throughout the community as “Catcher Mitt” could prevent him facing President Obama in this year’s general election.

(Photo: WENN)

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Snooki Wants to Rape Lady Gaga

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Apparently, Snooki‘s love of make-up-caked queens of the gay community doesn’t end with her boyfriend, Jionni Lavalle. According to a recent tweet, Snooks also has a thing for Lady Gaga, and the Mother Monster better watch her back or she’ll end up forcibly smushed.

Snooki From BehindLady Gaga Shocked Photo

“Is @ladygaga in la? Cuz I’d like to rape her before I leave,” read the tweet that hopefully had Gaga beefing up her security. Snooks love of the ladies has been well-documented in past episodes of Jersey Shore and though she may not seem very intimidating and 4’9″ and 98 pounds, when you get a liter of tequila in her, she can’t be stopped by mere mortals.

Sadly, Gaga has yet to take Snooks up on her offer of chlamydia and psychological trauma. I’m hoping these two meet at some point just we can see the resulting photo. Try explaining that picture to future generations. It can’t be done.

(Photos: WENN)

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