Sarah Palin has been in the news for all the wrong reasons this week, and, no, I’m not talking about the fact that her political campaign ad disguised as a reality show was not picked up for a second season by TLC. The former Alaskan governor indirectly played a role in the tragedy that took place in Tucson over the weekend, as the armed madman that shot 20 people including a congresswoman and 9 year-old girl is said to have been inspired by Sarah’s violent hate-speak. I’m sure he wasn’t the first (and sadly, will likely not be the last) gun-toting lunatic to identify with Sarah Palin but he’s the first to commit an act of terrorism, thinking that he was carrying out Mama Grizzly’s wishes. Not exactly the kind of publicity that you want in the week leading up to the season finale of your family-friendly TV show. Naturally, it’s sad that 6 innocent people are dead because some crazy person decided to actually take what Sarah Palin says seriously, but if you ask me, the real tragedy of the week is that Sarah decided to end her career as a reality star with a 2 freakin’ hour season series finale. Oh, the humanity!
Thankfully, Sarah has stopped even trying to sound like she’s not reading from cue cards when she says things like, “All the adventures my dad took me on as a kid taught me to think for myself, work hard, and embrace challenges.” Fortunately, her 9 year-old daughter Piper didn’t get the memo that this whole reality show thing is a scripted bid to get mommy elected president. When asked where all the oil that’s drilled in Valdez eventually ends up, Piper says, “In the water.” Umm…she’s not far off. The adults laugh, Sarah restrains herself from smacking the kid on camera, and liberals everywhere realize that the Palin family may not be all bad after all.
After those three seconds of controversy that somehow didn’t wind up on the cutting room floor, it was more of the same boring bullsh!t that got this show the axe despite its somehow respectable ratings. As usual, the Palin clan packed up and headed to a different part of Alaska. (Because, ya know, Alaska’s totally different from one part to the next. Sarcasm.) To celebrate the proud Alaskan tradition of heading into nature and totally f*cking the place up, Sarah and her family decided to follow the trail of the Alaskan gold miners. “Dig, baby, dig,” Sarah says, reminding us all that she’s part of the drill crazy nature-hater movement that led to fun stuff like the BP disaster and that other big oil spill that happened in…where was it? Oh yeah…Valdez, Alaska! It’s not her fault, though, they don’t get newspapers up there.
After roughly 14 hours of gold mining (man, they’re running out of outdoor activities to pretend to enjoy), the Palin clan go and hang out with some muskox, for some reason. Sarah mutters some bullsh!t about how the muskox are “how we should be as a society.” Of course, she never explains any further, because that’s just not how S-Pain rolls. I don’t know, Sarah, I’m actually OK with society not turning into a pack of wild animals that’s named for the fact that it smells really bad, but I’m weird like that. Then they go and watch an airshow, and the audience realizes this show has become so boring we’ve reached the point of watching the Palins watch other stuff. Is it over yet?…
No! Time for hour two of the absurdly long send-off for what might be the lamest reality show in the history of television. For the most part, it was an hour of filler, recapping the monotony of the first seven episodes, but there were some moments that were classic Palin. I actually wrote “classic pain” the first time I typed that, and I probably should’ve just left it. Sarah addresses her critics, admits to making up words, and tries to let everyone know that despite what it looks like, she’s not actually stupid. Naturally, that’s a hard sell, considering most people watching the finale just sat through 8 hours of Sarah acting really, really, incredibly, unbelievably stupid. She’s not smart, is what I’m saying. For example, Sarah responds to accusations that the scene with the bears from the series premiere was “photoshopped.” People don’t generally photoshop moving images Sarah, but it’s good to find out you know as much about technology as John McCain’s grandmother. I can’t wait ’til you become president and try to burn the Internet!
There were some previously unseen moments, like when a radio show host asked Sarah if she was planning on running for president in 2012. She responded, “Who knows? That’s still a couple of years off!” Sometimes, I think Sarah might be too presidential if that’s possible. Then, she promised to let the radio host stooges be the first to know when she makes her decision. So yeah, she’s running for president. I’m gonna go hit my head against something.
I know I’ve made a lot of jokes at Sarah Palin’s expense over the last few weeks, but since this might be the last that people who don’t watch Fox News hear from her in a while (Wishful thinking. Leave me alone; I need it.) I think it’s a good time to reiterate that unlike the Kanyes and Kardashians we usually take shots at on this site, I honestly think that Sarah Palin is no laughing matter. She’s a dangerous opportunist, who will be happy to continue contributing to the rapid decline of the American way of life as long as it benefits her, and as long as we allow her to do so. If you identify with Sarah Palin, you’ve simply fallen victim to a clever, carefully orchestrated ruse, designed to make the average American think they have anything in common with this manipulative shyster. You don’t have anything in common with her, unless you happen to also be a millionaire fame whore. She doesn’t care about you, your family, or this country. She only pretends to care as a means of amassing even more wealth and power. If you believe otherwise, please read my upcoming post about how voting causes cancer. True story, I looked it up.