Everyone in the Jersey Shore house hooks up, “smushes,” and does whatever with pretty much anyone they want. Sometimes they fondle a tranny or bang a fellow castmate, but at the end of the day, everything goes back to the way it was, no one gets hurt, and maybe someone learns a lesson about looking for man hands if your date is over 5’10”. That’s the formula. It’s like Full House with an STD.
Leave it to Angelina to eff-up the program, though. On Thursday’s episode she hooked up with Vinny even though she’d been talking sh*t about him all day, and on last night’s special pre-VMA show, she had to deal with the fall-out.
“You’re a whore. You’re a f*cking whore…And obviously you’re a loosey-goose, because he got it in.” That was how Dr. Snooki, PhD. summed up the situation. Being called a whore by Snooki is like being called an a*shole by Hitler. Of course, Snooks banged Vinny as well, so I guess she’s also a f*cky-duck, or whatever, but that’s beside the point.
“You have proven an equation that people have been trying to solve for hundreds of years. That when you’re nice to a girl, you take her on four dates, you snuggle with a girl, you buy her gifts, she will not call you. She will play you the f*ck out, and then she will f*ck somebody three days later…Angelina has proven the ho equation” That’s how The Situation described, um…the situation. I don’t know if we really need an equation to know that Angelina’s a ho-bag, but it’s nice to see The Sitch take the scholarly approach.
Yeah, Vinny is equally to blame, but 1.) He’s a guy (a guy who’s on Jersey f*cking Shore, no less) so we expect that kind of thing 2.) Vinny’s not currently dating someone like Angelina is, and 3.) Angelina sucks, so I not only blame her for being a ho, I think she’s somehow responsible for that whole oil spill thing.
As much as I love talking about what a cum-dumpster Angelina is, other things happened in this episode as well. Vinny’s mom showed up with a suitcase full of Entenmann’s cakes and Poland Spring water, because god knows you just can’t find that stuff in Miami. Even better, she brought Vinny’s insanely guido-ish Uncle Nino, who’s basically a drunken Italian stereotype come to life. In other words, he’s Mike or Pauly D in twenty years.
Speaking of Mike and Pauly D, they go out find some chicks with “the kind of a*s that you read about” who they think are DTF, but it turns out they’re DTD (down to dick-tease). It’s refreshing to see these guys get shot down now and then, since they’re always talking about what “hoes,” “sluts,” and “Staten Island dumps” girls who give it up are.
Things quickly get weird and whorish, though, as the guys get a raspy-voiced skank to come over at 6 am and bang Pauly D while The Sitch watches. Stay classy, South Beach! Oh, the chick with the pack-a-day voice also says all of her friends are “grenades.” B*tch, you’re aware that this is eventually gonna be on TV, right?
After some creepy sh*t like that, it’s weird to see The Sitch get all moral and insist that Angelina tell Jose about the Vinny incident, but that’s exactly what he does. Somehow, Jose is cool with it, even though she chooses to break the news while Vin himself is doing a little happy dance like 3 feet away.
It was good to see Vinny rolling his face off or whatever, because this episode was weirdly rough on him. The Situation stole a chick out from under him and he was forced to b*tch-beg for a date, only to get stood up in the end. Just goes to show: if you have sex with Angelina, god will punish you…and not just with an itchy, burning sensation. Lesson learned.