Jersey Shore Recap: “A Slop Tart and a Hippopotamus Put Together!”

Jenni and Tom’s breakup, Snooki‘s alcoholism, Mike‘s transformation into boring run-of-the-mill guido who doesn’t deserve his own ridiculous nickname – with all the depressing melodrama, this season of Jersey Shore has looked more like an awards-baiting scripted series than a reality show about a bunch of tan people who like to get hammered and spit out funny catchphrases. Thanks, MTV, but if I wanted to see a bunch of “relatable” sad sack bullsh!t, I’d stick around for Skins, and we both know that’s not gonna happen. I was hoping with Sammi  leaving the show last week, we would all finally be able to stop re-living painful moments from past broken relationships and start re-living painful moments from past unprotected one-night stands (the itching, the burning sensations, etc.). Ronnie was a one-man VD epidemic in Miami last season, and that was while he was still in a relationship. Surely, with Sam out of the picture we would see a return of the reckless, probably coked-up, good-time Ronnie of seasons past. Right? Eh, not so much…

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammi Giancola Drama

“I don’t know how to pick myself up from the hole that I’ve dug myself into” a teary-eyed Ron tells the camera at the start of last night’s episode. OK, so metaphors aren’t his strong suit, but you can tell the guy is really hurting. Luckily, he has the Shakespeare of Staten Island there to ease his troubled mind through the power of language. “Get up and go walk around. Go do something,” The Situation tells Ron as he’s hunched over and sobbing. See, this is why women handle breakups better than men. Women stay up all night talking things through with their girlfriends, while guys tell each other to “walk it off” like it’s a damn charlie horse. “I’m like a deep dude,” Sitch tells us afterward. “Listening to Mike talk about relationship problems is like listening to a sailor talk about flying planes,” Ron responds. Hmm…maybe dude does know his way around an analogy. He’s like one of those things that’s good sometimes, but not other times.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro Crying

Since Mike let him down, Ronnie seeks comfort from Snooki, JWoww, and legendary Rolling Stones guitarist, Keith Richards (Oh, sorry. That’s just Deena without make-up). The girls are no help, either, though, as they apparently have decided to side with Sammi, because she also has a vagina. Ron sulks off to go listen to The Cure and cut himself or something, and the rest of the house gets embroiled in a prank war that quickly escalates to the level of dog sh!t in the bed, which is pretty much the prank war equivalent of going nuclear.


There were some nice breaks from the drama in the form of a clogged toilet, a lynched stuffed croc, and some period-stained underwear (that clearly belonged to Deena), but then it was back to more depressing Ronnie crap. He b!tches about how hard it is sleeping alone, sends Sammi flowers in hopes of winning her back, and refuses to go have fun with his guys friends. This is why it’s boring to watch someone go through breakup drama: It’s always the same! Everyone goes through the same cliched crap! That’s why it takes a brilliant artist to make romantic pain interesting, and last I checked, the only thing Ron’s brilliant at is being the opposite of brilliant. Get back being a walking drunk boner, Ron and leave the emotions to the guys in tight jeans and eye liner. I’m looking at you, Pete Wentz.

Next, everyone hits the appropriately named club Karma, where a whole bunch of bad sh!t happens. Sitch goes back to his douche bag ways, Ronnie gets even more depressed about Sam, and Deena gets upset in a way that even burgers and more booze can’t fix. There are some turns for the better though: Ronnie and Deena share a tender moment on the patio, which, since this is Jersey Shore, means they’re eventually gonna smush, but more importantly, Snooks gets laid! For the first time since Miami, apparently, which makes me feel kinda bad for all those Jersey Whore jokes I’ve made. Even better, the dude she gets it in with is none other than her current boyfriend, Jionni LaValle. I wonder how he felt watching tonight’s instant replay of their first smash session and remembering that Snooks called him friggin’ “Bernard” in bed. I think that’pretty much the least-sexy name on the planet.