"My own advice two years ago was to get you out of my life, and I'm finally ready to take." With those words Caroline Manzo finished off the verbal beatdown of Teresa Giudice that she started on part one of the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion show. Anxious to switch gears before any eye-gouging started, Andy Cohen introduced a montage of clips featuring Joe Gorga molesting his wife in public. Andy followed that up by addressing rumors that the Gorgas have an open relationship and that Melissa has "swam in the lady pond." Sadly, Melissa denied both accusations.
After more sex talk than anyone ever wanted or needed from a group of middle-aged Jerseyites, the conversation returned to more serious issues, including speculation that Caroline's son, Albie, might be suffering from depression, and the surprising revelation that Albert Sr. was fired from a post assigned to him by the governor of New Jersey. Serious accusations about one of the few stable families on reality TV. But that wasn't the end of the Manzo-bashing. Apparently, at least a few viewers share my opinion that Caroline's holier-than-thou meddling gets tiresome fast. Looks like Teresa's not the only one who possesses the rare gift of being able to make people hate her without ever even meeting them.
Speaking of Teresa, Caroline turns the tables by leveling some accusations at the b!thciest Housewife. When asked why she no longer speaks to her younger sister Dina, Caroline reveals that she blames Teresa's BS for the dissolution of their relationship. Apparently, Teresa was in the habit of lying to Dina about things that Caroline had said about her. Dina, having apparently never seen the show on which she once starred, accepted everything that Teresa said as truth. Caroline and Teresa repeatedly accuse one another of being "full of sh!t," and the issue gets dropped without either side being proven right, but you know Caroline's telling the truth. At this point, someone could accuse Teresa of being responsible for Hurricane Katrina, and I'd be like, "Yeah, she probably played a role."
Next came the part of the show I was looking forward to the most – hatin' on Ashley Laurita. Sadly, Jacqueline Laurita declined to participate in the reunion show, so we didn't get much in the way of new insight, but judging by what the other ladies had to say, she hasn't learned sh!t from watching herself on the show, and she's every bit the spoiled brat she showed herself to be last season. After the all-too-short Ashley-bashing session, it was time for some Cleaver moments from the mind-numbingly boring Wakile family. Recognizing that viewers were nodding off in unison all over the country, Andy steered the discussion back toward a topic that's always interesting – Teresa's colossal b!tchiness…
The topic of Teresa leaving her children "unattended" at the infamous christening was brought up for the 4,000th time, and Teresa revealed what a self-centered idiot she is, when she opened up about her rage over being "stood up" by her friends last Christmas. That's right, people aren't allowed to make plans for Christmas unless they involve Teresa Giudice. With that argument spinning out of control, Andy stepped into the therapist/mediator role by basically asking Teresa directly why she's such a b!tch.
Naturally, she dodged the question in favor of returning to the pointless argument she was just engaged in. In the interest of making sure the show doesn't end without someone being murdered, Andy shared some select highlights from Teresa's batsh!t blog, including some truly psychotic theories about Melissa's desire to "break up her family." For her part, Melissa unconvincingly pretends to be shocked by the accusation that she copied Teresa's look and mannerisms. When asked if it was a "red flag" that Joe Gorga had been engaged twice before their marriage, Melissa stated that it wasn't, as those fiances only fled because of Teresa. Um…wouldn't that make it more of a red flag? Jersey logic.
From there, things really turn ugly, with Melissa accusing Teresa of "turning evil right in front of me." She then busts out her phone to read from a list of the b!tchiest things Teresa said during the last season. Naturally, it's quite a list. Just when you thought it wasn't possible, things turn uglier still, when the openly gay Andy Cohen asks Teresa about her husband's frequent, on-air use of "the f-word." Naturally, her moronic response confirmed that ignorance is a way of life for the Giudice family. As always, Teresa brings her kids into the argument, Caroline accuses her of exploiting her daughters for the show, and the reunion basically ends with Teresa showing her maturity by repeatedly screaming, "Mind your business!" at her former friends. Hopefully, this high level of intellectual discourse continues next season.