Jesus Christ, more f*cking fishing! This week on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, the Palin family headed to a totally different part of Alaska for more of the same choreographed outdoorsy crap they do every week. The episode started with Sarah giving us some background about Bristol Bay (Oooh, they’re fishing for salmon this week, not halibut. This show really keeps ya guessing!). “It’s so special to us, that our first daughter was named after Bristol Bay,” Sarah says of the spot. I’m guessing it’s because they’re both crawling with crabs and few men dare to brave their murky depths without head-to-toe rubber.
The whole family heads to Todd’s parents’ house in White Trash Fame Whore Bristol Bay for free babysitting because that’s where they “headquarter” during fishing season. Can this family do anything without making it sound like a full-scale military invasion? At the grand folks’ house we finally meet the members of the Palin clan who have been hiding out from the cameras in their private meth lab, or have been kept out of the spotlight because they’re slightly more retarded than the rest of the family. That’s right Trig and Track Palin make their television debuts this week and their cameos are as mind-blowingly stupid as their names. Oh, and they also brought along Bristol’s bastard son Tripp (Seriously, with the names? It’s like this family feels like they haven’t given us enough to make fun of).
Track (the druggie, not the tard) pretty much just points his Oxycontin hangover gaze at the camera and mumbles something about what an awesome fisherman his dad is. Then he goes out with his boys and wrecks the boat trailer, because apparently, that’s how kids rebel in Alaska.
Yet again, we’re subjected to roughly 18 hours of fishing footage with educational narration from Sarah. Apparently, Todd has a lock down on all the best salmon spots, because it’s important that the Palin family make a ton of money from commercial fishing, as they have no other means of supporting themselves. “Todd and I have had seasons where we relied on the fish money to pay our bills,” Sarah says. “So we know how hard it is for Track when the fish aren’t hitting.” Yeah, it’s gotta be pretty tough on the rich party kid when he decides to work for a month out of the year and it doesn’t go just as he planned. No wonder he loves drugs!
Then it’s finally Trig time. Trig, of course, is the Palin’s youngest son (about the same age as their grandson) who was born with Down’s syndrome, and we all knew it was only a matter of time before they trotted him in front of the cameras for some free sympathy points, but I actually thought they’d be a bit more subtle about it. Stupid me. Sarah Palin and her whole 6-hour campaign ad reality show are about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, so naturally when it came time to remind us all that there’s a member of the family who’s NOT a disgusting human being, they milked it for everything it’s worth.
There was some footage of Todd and Trig playing with a wine jug tied to a tree or some sh!t (They really know how to stimulate a kid, those Palins. If only they could afford real toys!). Then Sarah spews some nonsense about how raising a retarded kid has totally prepared her to run the free world. “He helps us really focus in on the heart of a family,” Sarah says, as though that actually means anything. “We both pitch in and do whatever needs to be done to raise this family.” God bless you Todd and Sarah! Oh wait, that’s called being f*cking parents. Literally billions of people do it every day and don’t get reality shows made about them. Sarah goes on to threaten the world with more demon spawn, saying both she and Todd “always wanted a big family.” Oh God, no! Sarah if you won’t stop squeezing out kids for the world’s sake, do it for your own. Having kids in your late 40s can result in worse birth defects and even stupider names. The last thing we need is three-eyed, humpbacked Trog Palin trolling around Alaska in search of fish and Vicodin.
Back to the f*cking fish, as it’s time to remind us what a bunch of bad-@sses the Palin family is by showing them cutting the heads off a bunch of salmon. I have to say, though, I actually like Willow Palin. She’s the only member of the family who seems to see through her mom’s bullsh!t and makes no attempt to hide her contempt for it. When Sarah says, “Willow, what do you think your friends are doing for their sweet 16 (har har har, I bet they’re not cutting the heads off fish! Aren’t we awesome?),” Willow just does her best to ignore her and shoots one of those deadly teenage girl glares that clearly says, “Die, b!tch.”
Next the whole family takes yet another plane (All this show says to me about Alaska is that living there would be a pain in the @ss), to the village of…did she say “E-cock”?! There’s an Alaskan village named after a vibrator that you can check your Facebook on?! Man, f*ck this stupid state.
Once they land in E-cock (that’s not what it’s really called, but let’s go with it) the Palin’s cut up some more fish and meet cousin Matthew, who also has Down’s syndrome. They pull the disabled kid out long enough for Sarah to squeeze out some tears and pretend to be human, then the whole family jumps in the plane and bounces on the scene like they just found out everyone in E-cock voted for Obama. Classy!
There’s more fishing “drama” with Track, then it’s (totally lame-@ss) party time, as the family combines the two things they’re best known for – patriotism and slutty teenage girls – into one incredibly boring 4th of July/Sweet 16 celebration. Everyone squeegeed off the fish guts long enough to eat hot dogs and pretend to not hate each other, and, once again Willow was a bright spot of awesomeness. She b!tched about the party and the general lameness of her gifts and even though she’s a snotty teenager, I gotta side with her on this one. It’s hard enough being Sarah Palin’s daughter, but now she has to spend her awkward phase on national TV and she doesn’t even get a goddam car for her birthday?! I think we can take Sarah’s relationship with her daughters as a preview of what it would be like to have Sarah Palin as our president: she’d promise us the world, but have us knocked-up and covered in fish guts by noon.