Tag Archives: Track Palin

Track Palin Files for Divorce

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One of my Because He's Hot guys, aka Sarah Palin's son, filed for divorce from Britta after being married for 18 months. The couple famously had a shotgun wedding because Britta was knocked up. Everyone was wearing jeans because the Palins always keep it classy.


Track wants to keep his guns and his $30,000 bank account. Britta wants to keep her $4,000 in jewelry and her $2,500 bank account. Sad. These embarrassing details shouldn't be released!

TMZ reports: Track rakes in $42,800 a year — and has agreed to pay $642 a month in child support

Track and Britta have agreed to split any other child-related expenses, including medical and travel. Britta gets physical custody, and will share legal custody with Track.

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Track Palin and Wife Britta Hanson Welcome Baby Girl

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Two months after Track Palin and his wife Britta Hanson got married in jeans, Britta welcomed a baby girl yesterday! Joe McGinniss, who is writing a book about Sarah Palin, revealed the news.

Track Palin, Britta Hanson and Sarah Palin at the Wedding

Track and Britta's wedding. That bouquet was hiding her baby bump.

Much to the disappointment of many in the gossip blogging world, Track's daughter doesn't have a retarded name like Track, Tripp, Trigg, Piper, Britta, or Bristol. Track and Brita named their daughter Kyla Grace Palin. DAMN IT!

Joe McGinniss moved next door to Sarah so that he could gain better access to the Palins. Ha! That's the old man that Sarah was paranoid about on Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Track and Sarah's family issued the following joint statement when they became hitched:

"…We're tickled that after two decades of friendship we proudly witnessed their marriage, knowing their new life together will be blessed." So Track and Britta were friends who f*ck, or should I say friends who get knocked up together and then say I do in jeans and fleece like white trash? Yep. That's better.

Congrats you irresponsible kids!

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Britta Hanson: Track Palin’s Wife is Pregnant

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Track Palin, 22, married high school sweetheart Britta Hanson, 21, two months ago. Some speculated that it may be a shotgun wedding. Hint: Sarah Palin, Track, and the friggin' bride were all wearing JEANS for the ceremony! Turns out, it was a shotgun wedding. Britta is preggers. Palin 2012, y'all!

Britta Hanson picture

The woman who supports abstinence-only sex education will be a grandmother for the second time at the age of 47. Seems like her message is really getting through to her kids, dontcha know?

Gawker reports that Track's wife already had her wedding shower. Ironically Britta is the daughter of a minister! Brita was also studying to be a nurse last year. Maybe she'll learn about birth control.

Britta posted her shower pics on Facebook, and her friends sound thrilled about it.

Given the timing of Britta’s pregnancy, the happy couple may want to tell Sarah Palin to shut up the next time she champions abstinence-only education or Bristol sermonizes against extramarital sex.

Congratulations to Track, Britta, and their unborn child Tribb Palin! You know these a-holes will name the baby something retarded, as if the kid isn't effed already.

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Track Palin and Britta Hanson Got Married

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Sarah Palin and family broke out their formal jeans and flannels for the wedding between Sarah's eldest son Track Palin and his longtime girlfriend Britta Hanson. Track and Britta are only 21, but that's 45 in Alaska years.

Track Palin, Britta Hanson and Sarah Palin at the Wedding

The couple have been dating since high school and the Palins issued a statement to People magazine declaring that they "couldn't be happier" about the marriage. No word on when Track and Britta plan to start having babies with stupid names. 

Track Palin imageTrack Palin military pictureTrack Palin and Willow PalinTrack Palin picSarah Palin's Alaska picture

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Sarah Palin’s Alaska Recap: Trig, Track and More Freakin’ Fishing!

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Jesus Christ, more f*cking fishing! This week on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, the Palin family headed to a totally different part of Alaska for more of the same choreographed outdoorsy crap they do every week. The episode started with Sarah giving us some background about Bristol Bay (Oooh, they’re fishing for salmon this week, not halibut. This show really keeps ya guessing!). “It’s so special to us, that our first daughter was named after Bristol Bay,” Sarah says of the spot. I’m guessing it’s because they’re both crawling with crabs and few men dare to brave their murky depths without head-to-toe rubber.

Breakfast at Sarah Palin's House

The whole family heads to Todd’s parents’ house in White Trash Fame Whore Bristol Bay for free babysitting because that’s where they “headquarter” during fishing season. Can this family do anything without making it sound like a full-scale military invasion? At the grand folks’ house we finally meet the members of the Palin clan who have been hiding out from the cameras in their private meth lab, or have been kept out of the spotlight because they’re slightly more retarded than the rest of the family. That’s right Trig and Track Palin make their television debuts this week and their cameos are as mind-blowingly stupid as their names. Oh, and they also brought along Bristol’s bastard son Tripp (Seriously, with the names? It’s like this family feels like they haven’t given us enough to make fun of).

Track (the druggie, not the tard) pretty much just points his Oxycontin hangover gaze at the camera and mumbles something about what an awesome fisherman his dad is. Then he goes out with his boys and wrecks the boat trailer, because apparently, that’s how kids rebel in Alaska.

Yet again, we’re subjected to roughly 18 hours of fishing footage with educational narration from Sarah. Apparently, Todd has a lock down on all the best salmon spots, because it’s important that the Palin family make a ton of money from commercial fishing, as they have no other means of supporting themselves. “Todd and I have had seasons where we relied on the fish money to pay our bills,” Sarah says. “So we know how hard it is for Track when the fish aren’t hitting.” Yeah, it’s gotta be pretty tough on the rich party kid when he decides to work for a month out of the year and it doesn’t go just as he planned. No wonder he loves drugs!

Todd and Trip Palin

Then it’s finally Trig time. Trig, of course, is the Palin’s youngest son (about the same age as their grandson) who was born with Down’s syndrome, and we all knew it was only a matter of time before they trotted him in front of the cameras for some free sympathy points, but I actually thought they’d be a bit more subtle about it. Stupid me. Sarah Palin and her whole 6-hour campaign ad reality show are about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, so naturally when it came time to remind us all that there’s a member of the family who’s NOT a disgusting human being, they milked it for everything it’s worth.

There was some footage of Todd and Trig playing with a wine jug tied to a tree or some sh!t (They really know how to stimulate a kid, those Palins. If only they could afford real toys!). Then Sarah spews some nonsense about how raising a retarded kid has totally prepared her to run the free world. “He helps us really focus in on the heart of a family,” Sarah says, as though that actually means anything. “We both pitch in and do whatever needs to be done to raise this family.” God bless you Todd and Sarah! Oh wait, that’s called being f*cking parents. Literally billions of people do it every day and don’t get reality shows made about them. Sarah goes on to threaten the world with more demon spawn, saying both she and Todd “always wanted a big family.” Oh God, no! Sarah if you won’t stop squeezing out kids for the world’s sake, do it for your own. Having kids in your late 40s can result in worse birth defects and even stupider names. The last thing we need is three-eyed, humpbacked Trog Palin trolling around Alaska in search of fish and Vicodin.


Back to the f*cking fish, as it’s time to remind us what a bunch of bad-@sses the Palin family is by showing them cutting the heads off a bunch of salmon. I have to say, though, I actually like Willow Palin. She’s the only member of the family who seems to see through her mom’s bullsh!t and makes no attempt to hide her contempt for it. When Sarah says, “Willow, what do you think your friends are doing for their sweet 16 (har har har, I bet they’re not cutting the heads off fish! Aren’t we awesome?),” Willow just does her best to ignore her and shoots one of those deadly teenage girl glares that clearly says, “Die, b!tch.”

Next the whole family takes yet another plane (All this show says to me about Alaska is that living there would be a pain in the @ss), to the village of…did she say “E-cock”?! There’s an Alaskan village named after a vibrator that you can check your Facebook on?! Man, f*ck this stupid state.

Once they land in E-cock (that’s not what it’s really called, but let’s go with it) the Palin’s cut up some more fish and meet cousin Matthew, who also has Down’s syndrome. They pull the disabled kid out long enough for Sarah to squeeze out some tears and pretend to be human, then the whole family jumps in the plane and bounces on the scene like they just found out everyone in E-cock voted for Obama. Classy!

There’s more fishing “drama” with Track, then it’s (totally lame-@ss) party time, as the family combines the two things they’re best known for – patriotism and slutty teenage girls – into one incredibly boring 4th of July/Sweet 16 celebration. Everyone squeegeed off the fish guts long enough to eat hot dogs and pretend to not hate each other, and, once again Willow was a bright spot of awesomeness. She b!tched about the party and the general lameness of her gifts and even though she’s a snotty teenager, I gotta side with her on this one. It’s hard enough being Sarah Palin’s daughter, but now she has to spend her awkward phase on national TV and she doesn’t even get a goddam car for her birthday?! I think we can take Sarah’s relationship with her daughters as a preview of what it would be like to have Sarah Palin as our president: she’d promise us the world, but have us knocked-up and covered in fish guts by noon.

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Track Palin: Because He’s Hot

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I am always on the lookout for hot new men to objectify on this here site. I feel that it is my civic duty to share my superficial preferences with the online world. It is my contribution to the feminist movement, and, for that, I am most proud.

Track Palin image

During the premiere of Sarah Palin’s Alaska, a photo of Track appeared on the screen above his name. Track Palin is hawt, so cute that I forgive him for being named Track and I’ll excuse him for being Sarah’s son. We won’t be discussing those topics in bed anyway, so it really doesn’t matter.

Track didn’t appear on the season premiere, but I’m sure he’ll show his face during at least a few episodes. I’m looking forward to it, although I’m expecting him to have all the smarts of Levi Johnston. And considering how cold it is in Alaska, I don’t think we’ll see Track running around shirtless and sweaty with his pecs glistening in the wind at any point. Maybe the fam will take a trip to somewhere hot sometime? I remain hopeful.

Sidenote: The Enquirer reports that Track is an “Oxycontin-snorting, womanizing, kleptomaniac!” Yep, Track and I totally have nothing to chit chat about. No pillow talk.

Track Palin military pictureTrack Palin and Willow PalinTrack Palin picTrack Palin imageSarah Palin's Alaska picture

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