Tag Archives: Willow Palin

Bristol Palin and Joan Rivers’ Celebrity Wife Swap Video

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In case you missed it, the new season of Celebrity Wife Swap launched last night on ABC. Bristol Palin, who always acts like an insufferable brat on reality shows, had to pair up with Joan Rivers at Joan’s house while Joan’s daughter Melissa had to live with Willow Palin and Bristol’s spoiled 4-year-old son Tripp, who drops F bombs and uses gay slurs. You’d expect lots of drama and sh!t talking and jokes, but the episode was underwhelming. Joan films for her TV shows everyday in her mansion and Willow is passive with terrorist Tripp.


Joan shouldn’t have been in the same house with Bristol the entire time and she shouldn’t have been filming every single day!

There was no opportunity for Bristol to flip the script since Joan had to work and Willow didn’t have much planned for Melissa either. Sigh. Hopefully the rest of the season will be much better, although I don’t know who the celebs are for next week’s episode.

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Bristol Palin Denies Son Used Gay Slur

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In a recently released clip from what is widely considered to be the worst reality show in history, Bristol Palin’s son, Tripp, appeared to use an anti-gay slur when talking to his mom and aunt, who of course found the term hilarious. Now, Bristol is claiming that her son would never say what he obviously said and it’s just them damn liberal newspapers trying to make her son look like a homophobe!

Bristol wrote on her blog: “As I’ve said before, I sometimes struggle to raise Tripp. However, he does NOT use slurs.. Let me be clear. I’m not proud of what he did say. Sadly, he used a different ‘f word.’” Naturally, the producers of Life’s a Tripp (oy, that name) support Bristol’s version of events.

So who’s to blame for this mix-up? Democrats! “I do oppose gay marriage, as I’ve written about before… I guess the temptation to label my three year old son is just too great for the lefty papers to resist.” Uh-huh. Well, maybe the “lefty” media was just drawing on your family’s proud history of homophobia, as evidenced here and here and…oh, probably a million other places.

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Bristol Palin ‘Life’s A Tripp’ Show Reviews: Critics HATE It!

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Unlike most b!tchy characters on television, Bristol Palin isn’t funny, she’s just a bitter b!tch. She whines about Levi Johnston nearly every time she gives an interview, tries to convince us that she’s had to struggle as a single mother, all the while allowing her ghost writer to post anti-gay and anti-Obama blogs online.

Bristol, 21, stars in “Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp” which premieres tonight on Lifetime, because, like her mother, Bristol lives for the spotlight. In the promos, Bristol says that the man who heckled her “should have gotten his ass kicked.” On the show, Bristol and her sister Willow Palin show viewers what rich white girl problems are all about!

Life's a Tripp

Yahoo writes:

  • Bristol moves from Wasilla, Alaska to Los Angeles, allegedly to “show Tripp what’s out there.” (Because three-year-olds are so interested in the wider world.) She moves into a pre-fab Beverly Hills mansion and is joined by her 17-year-old sister Willow, who has come to help with the babysitting.

The LA Times says:

  • “We see Bristol and Willow shop for groceries and clothing, “without Tripp…presumably looking after himself back at the mansion. We’re left with a show about two sisters, temporarily billeted in a Beverly Hills mansion, mostly complaining about Los Angeles, each other and their lives.”

The Chicago Sun Times notes:

  • “The trio move into a Beverly Hills mansion where Bristol has to teach Tripp things like the difference between a bidet and a water fountain. No one said being a single mom was easy.”
 

Yahoo says that the “most disturbing” part of the show is Bristol’s constant bashing of her son’s father on national television. “Much of the narrative revolves around Bristol’s attempts to shame her ex-boyfriend into seeing his son.”

The Washington Post says: “Even if you have a lasting grudge against all things Palin, there’s no payoff here. It’s a new low for anyone who makes the mistake of watching.”

Sarah Palin’s Alaska was enough of a snoozefest. You couldn’t pay me enough to watch this crap!

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Sarah Palin’s Alaska Recap: Getting Wood With Willow

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With a deal for season 2 reportedly in the works and Oprah issuing her royal decree that the Mama Grizzly shall never be president of Oprahland (also known as America), there’s a lot at stake as the first season of Sarah Palin’s Alaska draws to a close. With the White House out of the picture (you don’t defy the Big O) and uneven ratings throughout the season, Sarah needs to deliver big drama to ensure her future as a reality TV star and omnipresent shrill dumb @ss. I was thinking a “Who Shot Mr. Burns”-style cliffhanger in which someone mistakes Sarah for a deadly caribou and fills her with buck shot might draw viewers in for next week’s finale. But instead, what do we get? An hour of Willow Palin. Basically the equivalent of a Maggie-heavy Simpsons episode.

Sarah and Willow Palin

“Raising teenagers, that’s a great challenge,” Sarah tells us at the start of the episode. “You’re not your teenager’s friend, you’re her parent.” Fun fact of the day: Because there are no schools in Alaska, Sarah Palin learned to speak by reading dumb crap off of bumper stickers. True story. This week, as always, the Palin clan is bound for the middle of goddam nowhere where they’ll be able to show their love of nature by destroying a small chunk of it. Willow, who – unlike the rest of her family – is 16 and not completely insane, is worried about the lack of cell phone service in whatever part of icy hell the family is going to this week. Sheesh! Teenagers! “There’s no cell phone service!” “Where can I check my Facebook?!” “I can’t text because I cut off my xlarge_ps skinning that giant grizzly you killed!” Suck it up and go slaughter something like a normal 16 year-old girl!

“Willow’s a normal teenager,” Sarah says. “What 16 year-old doesn’t know what they want to do in life? Well, one way you can help them find that path is you let them experience as much as they possibly can.” One of the downsides of Sarah’s slogan-speak is she sometimes lumps together multiple inspirational sayings and stupid one-liners into nuggets of folksy “wisdom” that don’t actually mean anything when you think about them for more then 10 seconds.  And people wonder how she got so far in politics. “The english language is a living, breathing, evolving art” Sarah says a few seconds later. “I can invent a word.” No, dude. No you can’t.

Sarah Palin is a Lumberjack

After reading something from a cue card about how the timber industry is totally green – just like them east coast hippies like – Sarah and her family arrive in a logging camp, for some reason. Despite claiming that this whole outing was “all about Willow” the Todd and Sarah ditch that whiny b!tch with the quickness and take off for a homoerotic weekend of sweat, sawdust and flannel.

Then it happens, Sarah gets the opportunity to cut down a tree herself, and for a second I was sure this episode would end with her trapped under a 30-foot pine, Blackberry messaging Bill O’Reilly to come save her. Would he get there in time? Would the liberal elite stand in his way? Would Obama finally admit he was born on Neptune? The cliffhanger potential was huge…

 

But then, like everything Sarah Palin does, it was big overture, little show. She cut down the tree, bragged about how awesome she is, and signed some lumberjack’s saw in the most suggestive action ever carried out by a former governor. After that non-drama, she took Willow down to the world’s most depressing beach and told her it’s time to get deflowered by a lumberjack in the grand Alaskan tradition. “Do you know what wood is used for? Tomorrow, can you hang out with Tim in the mess hall? What you learn tomorrow is gonna help you with all your jobs in the future.” Hand, blow…”jobs” are how you keep from getting pregnant, like your sister!

Aside from a few minutes where she put unlicensed Willow behind the wheel of a stock car in hopes of killing her before she embarrasses the family, the rest of the episode was more of the same, with Sarah destroying nature and her kids’ psyches at the same time. Super Mom! She throws some logs around with a big machine, while her 16 year-old daughter spends the day with a bearded logging camp fry cook who probably hasn’t seen a female human in 30 years. So, to review: so far this season, Sarah Palin has gutted fish, shot caribou, and nearly driven Kate Gosselin to commit an awesome act of murder-suicide. I can’t wait until the finale when she goes on a baby seal-clubbing expedition with Snooki, who can’t stop complaining about the lack of tanning facilities in Wasilla. See ya then!

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Sarah Palin’s Alaska Recap: Sarah Hates Idiots, Bloggers, Looking Smart

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I think the most surprising thing about Sarah Palin’s Alaska is how stupid Sarah is willing to look week after week. Of course, the show is designed to make her look like she should be the next person to run our country, but in every episode, she looks like the only thing she’s fit to run is a church bake sale. And that’s only if the other four women in Wasilla were eaten by bears at last year’s sale. I mean, it’s not like the show’s friggin’ live. Why does she consistently look so dumb? Who’s editing this thing, Michelle Obama?

Sarah Palin Pretends to Like the Outdoors

For example, this week’s episode started with Sarah at her home in Alaska, preparing to do a television interview via satellite with, of course, Fox News, because they’re the only ones who won’t ask her any tough questions like, “Can you name a newspaper?” But before she can share her trenchant insights about our nation’s divisive political climate and current economic woes…she has to dick around with a wooden fish. By having her husband lower the fish hanging on the wall behind her so that it can be seen by the Fox News audience, Sarah is basically admitting that her whole public persona is a fraud, carefully calculated to make the more gullible rubes in this country think she’s just a regular gal with dumb sh!t hanging on her wall, instead of a power-hungry millionaire with designs on global domination. The sad thing is, even after seeing this charade get gradually exposed over the last six weeks, millions of people likely still believe she’s a real live gun lovin’ hick like them. Sigh. Anyway, on to the part of the show where everyone freezes their @sses off for your amusement:

Following her Fox appearance, Sarah feeds us some crap about how much she can’t wait to “get away from the press” (which, of course, is why she holds live satellite interviews from her home in the middle of nowhere), so it’s time to “load up the RV…get outdoors and have some fun” (which, if this show is to be believed, is all the Palin family ever goddam does). Everyone piles into the RV, including Sarah’s nephew Happy who, despite his name is neither 49 years old nor a character from an Adam Sandler movie. Their destination? More outdoorsy bullsh!t. Man, the Palin kids must be dying for this season to finish filming so they can go back to getting pregnant and having zero contact with their workaholic mom.

Sarah Palin and Some Dogs

First stop is rafting on the Mantahuska River, which Sarah says is only an hour away from the Palin home, yet none of the Palins have rafted it before (but they totally do this kind of stuff all the time, you guys. For real!). As usual, they dump poor Trig off beforehand, because apparently he’s too retarded for Alaskan adventures, and, of course, despite being the seasoned wilderness experts they all pretend to be, the family hires some expert to teach them how to not die. See paragraph 2 for a reminder of what a BS fraud Sarah Palin is.

After the hippie rafting expert makes some bad jokes and Sarah rips on his mullett, it’s time to hit the water. At the start of the journey we get this choice quote from future President Palin: “When Mudflap (That’s the hippie’s name. Seriously.) told me that I’d be up front and I’d be paddling and leading…I was tempted to say, ‘Nah I’d rather be in the back of the boat. Let someone else do more of the work.’” If that’s not the voice of someone who should be in charge of the free world, I don’t know what is. Why do we have to wait til 2012?! Can’t we just kick the black guy out already? I bet he’s never even been rafting!

After the rafts, it’s time to break out the rubber, as Willow invites her “friend” Andy to come pitch a tent in the woods with her. After a random Michelle Obama dis (I guess she’s not in charge of this show, after all), Willow’s f*ck buddy arrives and immediately starts to gather wood (I got camping/boner puns all day, yo). Sarah says that she trusts Willow to not get knocked up by a hick, but adds “I feel bad for our kids because some of their mistakes end up on the front page of The National Enquirer.” Forcing them to live out their teen years in front of a camera crew seems like the best way to ease that burden. Yay, parenting!

 

For some, reason Sarah decides to try her hand at waitressing at a local diner, which was no doubt meant to make her look like a regular gal we can all relate to, but really just made her look like a dumb @ss who can’t handle a simple waitressing job. “You’re not only a governor, you’re a waitress, too!” one Grizzly Adams-looking dude remarks. No, beard-o, she’s neither. She sucks at being a reality star, too, so let’s not give her anymore jobs to f*ck up, OK?

There was some more outdoorsy crap, including another trip to Sarah’s dad’s weird monument of death and a stop at the Alaskan Michael Vick’s House of Starving Dogs. But the highlight of the episode had to be Sarah talking about how she likes her little Gosselin-free outings, because “It’s good to get the heck away from idiots and bloggers who don’t like our family.” Bwahahaha! You can’t escape us, Sarah! Maybe next time if you wanna get away from people who don’t like your family (or, as I call them, “Americans”), you should leave the camera crew at home.

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Sarah Palin’s Alaska Recap: Trig, Track and More Freakin’ Fishing!

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Jesus Christ, more f*cking fishing! This week on Sarah Palin’s Alaska, the Palin family headed to a totally different part of Alaska for more of the same choreographed outdoorsy crap they do every week. The episode started with Sarah giving us some background about Bristol Bay (Oooh, they’re fishing for salmon this week, not halibut. This show really keeps ya guessing!). “It’s so special to us, that our first daughter was named after Bristol Bay,” Sarah says of the spot. I’m guessing it’s because they’re both crawling with crabs and few men dare to brave their murky depths without head-to-toe rubber.

Breakfast at Sarah Palin's House

The whole family heads to Todd’s parents’ house in White Trash Fame Whore Bristol Bay for free babysitting because that’s where they “headquarter” during fishing season. Can this family do anything without making it sound like a full-scale military invasion? At the grand folks’ house we finally meet the members of the Palin clan who have been hiding out from the cameras in their private meth lab, or have been kept out of the spotlight because they’re slightly more retarded than the rest of the family. That’s right Trig and Track Palin make their television debuts this week and their cameos are as mind-blowingly stupid as their names. Oh, and they also brought along Bristol’s bastard son Tripp (Seriously, with the names? It’s like this family feels like they haven’t given us enough to make fun of).

Track (the druggie, not the tard) pretty much just points his Oxycontin hangover gaze at the camera and mumbles something about what an awesome fisherman his dad is. Then he goes out with his boys and wrecks the boat trailer, because apparently, that’s how kids rebel in Alaska.

Yet again, we’re subjected to roughly 18 hours of fishing footage with educational narration from Sarah. Apparently, Todd has a lock down on all the best salmon spots, because it’s important that the Palin family make a ton of money from commercial fishing, as they have no other means of supporting themselves. “Todd and I have had seasons where we relied on the fish money to pay our bills,” Sarah says. “So we know how hard it is for Track when the fish aren’t hitting.” Yeah, it’s gotta be pretty tough on the rich party kid when he decides to work for a month out of the year and it doesn’t go just as he planned. No wonder he loves drugs!

Todd and Trip Palin

Then it’s finally Trig time. Trig, of course, is the Palin’s youngest son (about the same age as their grandson) who was born with Down’s syndrome, and we all knew it was only a matter of time before they trotted him in front of the cameras for some free sympathy points, but I actually thought they’d be a bit more subtle about it. Stupid me. Sarah Palin and her whole 6-hour campaign ad reality show are about as subtle as a sledgehammer to the face, so naturally when it came time to remind us all that there’s a member of the family who’s NOT a disgusting human being, they milked it for everything it’s worth.

There was some footage of Todd and Trig playing with a wine jug tied to a tree or some sh!t (They really know how to stimulate a kid, those Palins. If only they could afford real toys!). Then Sarah spews some nonsense about how raising a retarded kid has totally prepared her to run the free world. “He helps us really focus in on the heart of a family,” Sarah says, as though that actually means anything. “We both pitch in and do whatever needs to be done to raise this family.” God bless you Todd and Sarah! Oh wait, that’s called being f*cking parents. Literally billions of people do it every day and don’t get reality shows made about them. Sarah goes on to threaten the world with more demon spawn, saying both she and Todd “always wanted a big family.” Oh God, no! Sarah if you won’t stop squeezing out kids for the world’s sake, do it for your own. Having kids in your late 40s can result in worse birth defects and even stupider names. The last thing we need is three-eyed, humpbacked Trog Palin trolling around Alaska in search of fish and Vicodin.

 

Back to the f*cking fish, as it’s time to remind us what a bunch of bad-@sses the Palin family is by showing them cutting the heads off a bunch of salmon. I have to say, though, I actually like Willow Palin. She’s the only member of the family who seems to see through her mom’s bullsh!t and makes no attempt to hide her contempt for it. When Sarah says, “Willow, what do you think your friends are doing for their sweet 16 (har har har, I bet they’re not cutting the heads off fish! Aren’t we awesome?),” Willow just does her best to ignore her and shoots one of those deadly teenage girl glares that clearly says, “Die, b!tch.”

Next the whole family takes yet another plane (All this show says to me about Alaska is that living there would be a pain in the @ss), to the village of…did she say “E-cock”?! There’s an Alaskan village named after a vibrator that you can check your Facebook on?! Man, f*ck this stupid state.

Once they land in E-cock (that’s not what it’s really called, but let’s go with it) the Palin’s cut up some more fish and meet cousin Matthew, who also has Down’s syndrome. They pull the disabled kid out long enough for Sarah to squeeze out some tears and pretend to be human, then the whole family jumps in the plane and bounces on the scene like they just found out everyone in E-cock voted for Obama. Classy!

There’s more fishing “drama” with Track, then it’s (totally lame-@ss) party time, as the family combines the two things they’re best known for – patriotism and slutty teenage girls – into one incredibly boring 4th of July/Sweet 16 celebration. Everyone squeegeed off the fish guts long enough to eat hot dogs and pretend to not hate each other, and, once again Willow was a bright spot of awesomeness. She b!tched about the party and the general lameness of her gifts and even though she’s a snotty teenager, I gotta side with her on this one. It’s hard enough being Sarah Palin’s daughter, but now she has to spend her awkward phase on national TV and she doesn’t even get a goddam car for her birthday?! I think we can take Sarah’s relationship with her daughters as a preview of what it would be like to have Sarah Palin as our president: she’d promise us the world, but have us knocked-up and covered in fish guts by noon.

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